Great post, Jan! Our society definitely pushes people toward coupledom and marriage. Stories about independent singles don’t “take” as well as rom-coms, sadly. As for your poll, I’d say the hardest part of being single changes over time and varies with/without kids or family nearby.
Thanks, Tara. I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of single parents! Perhaps I've become too lax in writing from my own perspective. Tell me more about the difficulties in being single with kids. What's the hardest? Maybe all of it?
Nothing wrong with writing from your perspective! With or without kids, being single is countercultural, and your post is a civil service. :-)
It’s a good question, and maybe no two single parents would make the same list. A couple of things that may not occur to friends and family would be that a single parent may be too full up with necessities to organize or budget for anything fun. Also, kids of a single parent may not get to observe adult teamwork.
Aunts, uncles, and close friends can help a full-custody parent by inviting the kids anywhere - shoe shopping, camping, out for ice cream or a week of summer, whatever - helping to diversify the kids’ engagement with the world and with dependable adults. And if there’s a chance to bring a tween or teen in on a project where adults are collaborating, it’s gold for the child of a single parent to see and participate in that.
Small things. 😅 BTW, Happy Valentines Day to you and Tom. May you enjoy the knowledge of the good parts of your single years and the good parts of being together.
ah, I love that statement, "being single is countercultural"!
Good examples of the challenges of single parenting. When I still hoped to have children, I used to say that 3 parents to one child was a good ratio. Kids are a LOT of work! Kudos to all the parents who are consciously parenting.
So interesting, Jan! I am shocked ( shocked I tell you!) that someone would say their conversations were different with you when your dog was there… I’ve always had dogs, except now unfortunately, and so have many of my friends- the dogs only added to the conversation! Maybe with children… but you are so right about the way kids are treated now versus a few decades ago when adults are visiting.
hahaha - SHOCKED! Yeah, I was too - and - I do understand. Mazie is such a good girl, not a barker, very low maintenance - AND - I AM typically always watching her, responding to her, so I can see how that impacts a conversation. Just as parents tend to become friends with other parents, those of us with dogs tend to gravitate to others with dogs.
I'm confused by this statement: "Even under the age of 35, the net worth of married couples was 9.2% more than unmarried female heads of households." Are they comparing a married household to a coupled, but not married, household? (In which it could make sense.) However, it reads as though comparing a couple to a single-parent household.... in which case it would mean that two potential wage earners were only earning 9.2% more than a single wage earner!
Married householders under the age of 35 had a net worth 9.2 times more than unmarried female householders and 3.1 times more than unmarried male householders. Between the ages 35 and 54 -- a time of life when many people buy their largest asset: a home -- the median wealth of married couples surpassed that of unmarried people at an even greater clip.
“This pattern suggests that the gaps in median wealth cannot solely be attributed to the presence of an additional adult in the household,” the report said. “Otherwise, married households would have no more than twice the median wealth of unmarried households.”
"Being single is countercultural..." Love it! The hardest part of being single is having to convince people you are happy and fulfilled...that this doesn't automatically happen with either being alone OR having a partner! Either way of life presents challenges. That is life.
YES! Thank you for saying this. I certainly found that to be one of the most difficult things of being single: fighting the perception that I wasn’t already completely happy and fulfilled on my own. It’s very odd that people don’t believe that. And frustrating.
I have to say, there have been many more downsides to being coupled than upsides for me. Which is why I'm single now, and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not opposed to being coupled, exactly, but relationships require energy and attention that I just don't have right now. I have creative shit to do which is infinitely more important to me. It's also the case, and I don't think this is true for everyone but it's definitely true for me, that I tend to lose myself in relationships too easily. Men (who are who I mostly have romantic relationships with) often don't have a lot of intimate connections outside of their romantic partnerships. Patriarchy sort of sets them up to want their partner to not have much outside of their relationships because they don't have much outside their relationship, emotionally anyway. And patriarchy also trains men to devalue women's work and creative pursuits.
Not all men are like this, I know. But most are, in my experience. And simply the pursuit of one who might be different requires time and energy that, again, I do not have. Maybe someday. But also, maybe not.
I hear you! And this, I think, relates back to what Peggy says above. Folks find it difficult to believe that we can be fulfilled and happy with ourselves and our own pursuits and not feel any loss in being alone. It's like the old saying, "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" :)
The emergency contact thing is so true. I've been leaning on my Quaker community a bit for things like rides to/from an outpatient procedure that requires anesthesia (you can Uber to an appointment like that, but they won't release you to a stranger while you're still coming out of it, so it's got to be someone you know). As a single dad now, I also wrestle with logistics since I can't just leave my two younger kids home alone if I need to run an errand. (The 11-yr-old is OK holding down the fort for brief periods)
This is a fairly sunny view of marriage: "But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances." Ideally, yes. But plenty of marriages are troubled by disputes about finances or stress from career changes or income disparities. Not to mention the expectations that we bring to marriage from our various socializations. Marriage is often more work than bliss, and when a marriage is failing, all that work is just battering a wall. One thing I find refreshing as a divorced person is the knowledge that all of the work I'm putting into healing and self-reflection is going somewhere. There are also no one's expectations to contend with but my own.
You are absolutely right about marriage. I questioned whether to include that sentiment and went ahead b/c that is the expectation which leads to this prejudice against single people - or at least, the myth that we are all expected to believe. And this is also how I released myself from that mythology: recognizing that marriage does NOT guarantee someone will always be there for you (even in a great marriage, spouses get sick and die) and being married does not necessarily mean you will be happier (especially if you're someone who enjoys your own company - or - if you marry someone who is not exactly loving or supportive). After many tears and therapy, all of this suddenly struck me like a lightening bolt, including: I don't want to share my bed and covers and I don't want to listen to someone snore. hah! In other words, I recognized how extraordinary my life already was and how much I really liked my life and relationships just as they were. Which is not to say being single is all roses either.
(so yes, actually marrying again has had some challenges on my end, not b/c of my spouse but my own preferences)
Finding community, however, as a single person and as a single parent. That can be a real challenge and I appreciate you mentioning it here. I'm glad to hear your Quaker community is filling some of that need.
Your friend wanting you to use his wife as emergency contract might be doing that to honor his wife. She might feel a bit uneasy with him being so close to another woman that she feels he could, at some time in your life, be your most important man. Especially if she doesn't know you well.
Marriage is work but work can be enjoyable. Sometimes, when I take my two young grandsons with me to places like shopping etc, they are a real hasstle to deal with. If someone makes a comment (almost always a nice comment) about their energy, I say that they don't make my life easier, but the do make it a lot better. Same goes for my wife. An easy life isn't always a better life.
My patriarchy taught me to love and support my wife. She is often going places, meeting friends, visiting friends while I stay home with the kids. When I was young, my dad worked and my mom stayed home but my mom also had a much larger circle of friends and spent more time with them than my dad did with his.
oh Wayne, I think you are absolutely correct about my friend. I landed on that very quickly when it happened. Jealousy in relationships - and particularly when a husband has a single female friend - is quite common and perhaps even understandable. (this is another thing I wanted to include but didn't - being an attractive single female can trigger many things for couples when they consider whether to be friends with me). What was frustrating, however, is that he did not say this. Maybe he was uncomfortable saying it or maybe he wasn't exactly conscious of it - I'm not sure. What he told me was that he was too busy, and that hurt. If he had told me he didn't want his wife to feel uncomfortable, that I would have understood.
Interesting that your father was a great role model for you in marriage: supporting your mom's social life and spending time with you kids. That's wonderful.
In the BBC video, a man talks about his wife being an invalid for 17 years and says marriage was hard, really hard. And, it was also lovely. As you say, marriage is work. Maybe things are changing but in the 90's when I was first married, my frustration was that this was never discussed. I think we need to be honest and open about this so everyone enters into relationship knowing work will be involved - and it's worth it. The fairy tale of "happily ever after" is just that - a fairy tale. There will always be hard days and tough times.
Really interesting post, Jan! Sometimes I wish life would just be easier and people were more laid back and open. A new person at a party is an opportunity to meet and bond with someone new. At the same time I don't particularly appreciate it when siblings try to force you to do everything with them only if their significant other is present too. The dog situation omg... Not sure I can even comment on that. Did they ever pinpoint exactly how it was different?
At least being single is more accepted now but not as much as it should be.
Hey, glad to hear from you! I agree, whether it's a sibling or a friend who insists on always bringing a spouse... ugh. Years ago (as in, 15 maybe), when Tom and I were dating the first time, I chafed at him always wanting us to do everything together. He said he had never met anyone like me - someone who didn't think couples always needed to be together. And sure enough, his siblings are (were) all coupled and did EVERYTHING together. So I think we need more and more examples and role models for how relationships can be. Maybe this would not only help single folks but also married ones!
Sorry I disappeared, I was drowning in spreadsheets that I had to submit for the case. I realized I can't do everything I want and it's not going to make some subscribers happy but one can only do the best they can.
I really feel strongly that people whether single or relationships should spend time thinking about the right thing to do not what is expected or what society tell you is right. Doing things that don't feel right can really make one stressed. And I loved the BBC video and want to watch the whole thing now! And then read all the other posts I missed during my hiatus.
I'll reach week after next with a draft if you would still like me to write a guest post but totally ok if not.
YES! I would still love to feature you! And I completely understand about life being a LOT and sometimes it is difficult to get the newsletter writing done. Happens to me often - lol.
I’ve often thought about this especially as many of my friends are losing their life partners at this age. We gather around them, hold them close, listening for what they need…to know they are not alone. Having lived alone for many years, I know how to do it well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely at times, too.
Thanks, Kate. You bring up a good point: being single is different - quite different - at various seasons in our lives. Others have mentioned single parenting. Parenting aside, being single in your 20s or 30s is different from your 50s and different from your 70s or 80s. I wonder if when we are older we are more attuned to others in the same predicament and, as you are doing, gather around and hold close especially during difficult times.
Great post, Jan! Our society definitely pushes people toward coupledom and marriage. Stories about independent singles don’t “take” as well as rom-coms, sadly. As for your poll, I’d say the hardest part of being single changes over time and varies with/without kids or family nearby.
Thanks, Tara. I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of single parents! Perhaps I've become too lax in writing from my own perspective. Tell me more about the difficulties in being single with kids. What's the hardest? Maybe all of it?
Nothing wrong with writing from your perspective! With or without kids, being single is countercultural, and your post is a civil service. :-)
It’s a good question, and maybe no two single parents would make the same list. A couple of things that may not occur to friends and family would be that a single parent may be too full up with necessities to organize or budget for anything fun. Also, kids of a single parent may not get to observe adult teamwork.
Aunts, uncles, and close friends can help a full-custody parent by inviting the kids anywhere - shoe shopping, camping, out for ice cream or a week of summer, whatever - helping to diversify the kids’ engagement with the world and with dependable adults. And if there’s a chance to bring a tween or teen in on a project where adults are collaborating, it’s gold for the child of a single parent to see and participate in that.
Small things. 😅 BTW, Happy Valentines Day to you and Tom. May you enjoy the knowledge of the good parts of your single years and the good parts of being together.
ah, I love that statement, "being single is countercultural"!
Good examples of the challenges of single parenting. When I still hoped to have children, I used to say that 3 parents to one child was a good ratio. Kids are a LOT of work! Kudos to all the parents who are consciously parenting.
True! This business of moving far from family and having kids without a support network will hopefully be a short-lived human experiment.
So interesting, Jan! I am shocked ( shocked I tell you!) that someone would say their conversations were different with you when your dog was there… I’ve always had dogs, except now unfortunately, and so have many of my friends- the dogs only added to the conversation! Maybe with children… but you are so right about the way kids are treated now versus a few decades ago when adults are visiting.
hahaha - SHOCKED! Yeah, I was too - and - I do understand. Mazie is such a good girl, not a barker, very low maintenance - AND - I AM typically always watching her, responding to her, so I can see how that impacts a conversation. Just as parents tend to become friends with other parents, those of us with dogs tend to gravitate to others with dogs.
I'm confused by this statement: "Even under the age of 35, the net worth of married couples was 9.2% more than unmarried female heads of households." Are they comparing a married household to a coupled, but not married, household? (In which it could make sense.) However, it reads as though comparing a couple to a single-parent household.... in which case it would mean that two potential wage earners were only earning 9.2% more than a single wage earner!
I apologize! My bad for not including a hyperlink to the article.
Here's a direct quote of two paragraphs:
Married householders under the age of 35 had a net worth 9.2 times more than unmarried female householders and 3.1 times more than unmarried male householders. Between the ages 35 and 54 -- a time of life when many people buy their largest asset: a home -- the median wealth of married couples surpassed that of unmarried people at an even greater clip.
“This pattern suggests that the gaps in median wealth cannot solely be attributed to the presence of an additional adult in the household,” the report said. “Otherwise, married households would have no more than twice the median wealth of unmarried households.”
Here's the link to the article
https://www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/us-net-worth-wealth-data-married-vs-single
"Being single is countercultural..." Love it! The hardest part of being single is having to convince people you are happy and fulfilled...that this doesn't automatically happen with either being alone OR having a partner! Either way of life presents challenges. That is life.
YES! Thank you for saying this. I certainly found that to be one of the most difficult things of being single: fighting the perception that I wasn’t already completely happy and fulfilled on my own. It’s very odd that people don’t believe that. And frustrating.
I have to say, there have been many more downsides to being coupled than upsides for me. Which is why I'm single now, and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not opposed to being coupled, exactly, but relationships require energy and attention that I just don't have right now. I have creative shit to do which is infinitely more important to me. It's also the case, and I don't think this is true for everyone but it's definitely true for me, that I tend to lose myself in relationships too easily. Men (who are who I mostly have romantic relationships with) often don't have a lot of intimate connections outside of their romantic partnerships. Patriarchy sort of sets them up to want their partner to not have much outside of their relationships because they don't have much outside their relationship, emotionally anyway. And patriarchy also trains men to devalue women's work and creative pursuits.
Not all men are like this, I know. But most are, in my experience. And simply the pursuit of one who might be different requires time and energy that, again, I do not have. Maybe someday. But also, maybe not.
I hear you! And this, I think, relates back to what Peggy says above. Folks find it difficult to believe that we can be fulfilled and happy with ourselves and our own pursuits and not feel any loss in being alone. It's like the old saying, "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" :)
The emergency contact thing is so true. I've been leaning on my Quaker community a bit for things like rides to/from an outpatient procedure that requires anesthesia (you can Uber to an appointment like that, but they won't release you to a stranger while you're still coming out of it, so it's got to be someone you know). As a single dad now, I also wrestle with logistics since I can't just leave my two younger kids home alone if I need to run an errand. (The 11-yr-old is OK holding down the fort for brief periods)
This is a fairly sunny view of marriage: "But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances." Ideally, yes. But plenty of marriages are troubled by disputes about finances or stress from career changes or income disparities. Not to mention the expectations that we bring to marriage from our various socializations. Marriage is often more work than bliss, and when a marriage is failing, all that work is just battering a wall. One thing I find refreshing as a divorced person is the knowledge that all of the work I'm putting into healing and self-reflection is going somewhere. There are also no one's expectations to contend with but my own.
You are absolutely right about marriage. I questioned whether to include that sentiment and went ahead b/c that is the expectation which leads to this prejudice against single people - or at least, the myth that we are all expected to believe. And this is also how I released myself from that mythology: recognizing that marriage does NOT guarantee someone will always be there for you (even in a great marriage, spouses get sick and die) and being married does not necessarily mean you will be happier (especially if you're someone who enjoys your own company - or - if you marry someone who is not exactly loving or supportive). After many tears and therapy, all of this suddenly struck me like a lightening bolt, including: I don't want to share my bed and covers and I don't want to listen to someone snore. hah! In other words, I recognized how extraordinary my life already was and how much I really liked my life and relationships just as they were. Which is not to say being single is all roses either.
(so yes, actually marrying again has had some challenges on my end, not b/c of my spouse but my own preferences)
Finding community, however, as a single person and as a single parent. That can be a real challenge and I appreciate you mentioning it here. I'm glad to hear your Quaker community is filling some of that need.
Your friend wanting you to use his wife as emergency contract might be doing that to honor his wife. She might feel a bit uneasy with him being so close to another woman that she feels he could, at some time in your life, be your most important man. Especially if she doesn't know you well.
Marriage is work but work can be enjoyable. Sometimes, when I take my two young grandsons with me to places like shopping etc, they are a real hasstle to deal with. If someone makes a comment (almost always a nice comment) about their energy, I say that they don't make my life easier, but the do make it a lot better. Same goes for my wife. An easy life isn't always a better life.
My patriarchy taught me to love and support my wife. She is often going places, meeting friends, visiting friends while I stay home with the kids. When I was young, my dad worked and my mom stayed home but my mom also had a much larger circle of friends and spent more time with them than my dad did with his.
oh Wayne, I think you are absolutely correct about my friend. I landed on that very quickly when it happened. Jealousy in relationships - and particularly when a husband has a single female friend - is quite common and perhaps even understandable. (this is another thing I wanted to include but didn't - being an attractive single female can trigger many things for couples when they consider whether to be friends with me). What was frustrating, however, is that he did not say this. Maybe he was uncomfortable saying it or maybe he wasn't exactly conscious of it - I'm not sure. What he told me was that he was too busy, and that hurt. If he had told me he didn't want his wife to feel uncomfortable, that I would have understood.
Interesting that your father was a great role model for you in marriage: supporting your mom's social life and spending time with you kids. That's wonderful.
In the BBC video, a man talks about his wife being an invalid for 17 years and says marriage was hard, really hard. And, it was also lovely. As you say, marriage is work. Maybe things are changing but in the 90's when I was first married, my frustration was that this was never discussed. I think we need to be honest and open about this so everyone enters into relationship knowing work will be involved - and it's worth it. The fairy tale of "happily ever after" is just that - a fairy tale. There will always be hard days and tough times.
Really interesting post, Jan! Sometimes I wish life would just be easier and people were more laid back and open. A new person at a party is an opportunity to meet and bond with someone new. At the same time I don't particularly appreciate it when siblings try to force you to do everything with them only if their significant other is present too. The dog situation omg... Not sure I can even comment on that. Did they ever pinpoint exactly how it was different?
At least being single is more accepted now but not as much as it should be.
Hey, glad to hear from you! I agree, whether it's a sibling or a friend who insists on always bringing a spouse... ugh. Years ago (as in, 15 maybe), when Tom and I were dating the first time, I chafed at him always wanting us to do everything together. He said he had never met anyone like me - someone who didn't think couples always needed to be together. And sure enough, his siblings are (were) all coupled and did EVERYTHING together. So I think we need more and more examples and role models for how relationships can be. Maybe this would not only help single folks but also married ones!
Sorry I disappeared, I was drowning in spreadsheets that I had to submit for the case. I realized I can't do everything I want and it's not going to make some subscribers happy but one can only do the best they can.
I really feel strongly that people whether single or relationships should spend time thinking about the right thing to do not what is expected or what society tell you is right. Doing things that don't feel right can really make one stressed. And I loved the BBC video and want to watch the whole thing now! And then read all the other posts I missed during my hiatus.
I'll reach week after next with a draft if you would still like me to write a guest post but totally ok if not.
YES! I would still love to feature you! And I completely understand about life being a LOT and sometimes it is difficult to get the newsletter writing done. Happens to me often - lol.
Thanks so much Jan :) I will reach out next week and grateful for this opportunity.
Great! Looking forward to it. 😊
I’ve often thought about this especially as many of my friends are losing their life partners at this age. We gather around them, hold them close, listening for what they need…to know they are not alone. Having lived alone for many years, I know how to do it well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely at times, too.
Great post today, Jan.
Thanks, Kate. You bring up a good point: being single is different - quite different - at various seasons in our lives. Others have mentioned single parenting. Parenting aside, being single in your 20s or 30s is different from your 50s and different from your 70s or 80s. I wonder if when we are older we are more attuned to others in the same predicament and, as you are doing, gather around and hold close especially during difficult times.
Thanks for reading and responding!