Great post, Jan! Our society definitely pushes people toward coupledom and marriage. Stories about independent singles don’t “take” as well as rom-coms, sadly. As for your poll, I’d say the hardest part of being single changes over time and varies with/without kids or family nearby.
So interesting, Jan! I am shocked ( shocked I tell you!) that someone would say their conversations were different with you when your dog was there… I’ve always had dogs, except now unfortunately, and so have many of my friends- the dogs only added to the conversation! Maybe with children… but you are so right about the way kids are treated now versus a few decades ago when adults are visiting.
I'm confused by this statement: "Even under the age of 35, the net worth of married couples was 9.2% more than unmarried female heads of households." Are they comparing a married household to a coupled, but not married, household? (In which it could make sense.) However, it reads as though comparing a couple to a single-parent household.... in which case it would mean that two potential wage earners were only earning 9.2% more than a single wage earner!
"Being single is countercultural..." Love it! The hardest part of being single is having to convince people you are happy and fulfilled...that this doesn't automatically happen with either being alone OR having a partner! Either way of life presents challenges. That is life.
I have to say, there have been many more downsides to being coupled than upsides for me. Which is why I'm single now, and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not opposed to being coupled, exactly, but relationships require energy and attention that I just don't have right now. I have creative shit to do which is infinitely more important to me. It's also the case, and I don't think this is true for everyone but it's definitely true for me, that I tend to lose myself in relationships too easily. Men (who are who I mostly have romantic relationships with) often don't have a lot of intimate connections outside of their romantic partnerships. Patriarchy sort of sets them up to want their partner to not have much outside of their relationships because they don't have much outside their relationship, emotionally anyway. And patriarchy also trains men to devalue women's work and creative pursuits.
Not all men are like this, I know. But most are, in my experience. And simply the pursuit of one who might be different requires time and energy that, again, I do not have. Maybe someday. But also, maybe not.
The emergency contact thing is so true. I've been leaning on my Quaker community a bit for things like rides to/from an outpatient procedure that requires anesthesia (you can Uber to an appointment like that, but they won't release you to a stranger while you're still coming out of it, so it's got to be someone you know). As a single dad now, I also wrestle with logistics since I can't just leave my two younger kids home alone if I need to run an errand. (The 11-yr-old is OK holding down the fort for brief periods)
This is a fairly sunny view of marriage: "But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances." Ideally, yes. But plenty of marriages are troubled by disputes about finances or stress from career changes or income disparities. Not to mention the expectations that we bring to marriage from our various socializations. Marriage is often more work than bliss, and when a marriage is failing, all that work is just battering a wall. One thing I find refreshing as a divorced person is the knowledge that all of the work I'm putting into healing and self-reflection is going somewhere. There are also no one's expectations to contend with but my own.
Your friend wanting you to use his wife as emergency contract might be doing that to honor his wife. She might feel a bit uneasy with him being so close to another woman that she feels he could, at some time in your life, be your most important man. Especially if she doesn't know you well.
Marriage is work but work can be enjoyable. Sometimes, when I take my two young grandsons with me to places like shopping etc, they are a real hasstle to deal with. If someone makes a comment (almost always a nice comment) about their energy, I say that they don't make my life easier, but the do make it a lot better. Same goes for my wife. An easy life isn't always a better life.
My patriarchy taught me to love and support my wife. She is often going places, meeting friends, visiting friends while I stay home with the kids. When I was young, my dad worked and my mom stayed home but my mom also had a much larger circle of friends and spent more time with them than my dad did with his.
Really interesting post, Jan! Sometimes I wish life would just be easier and people were more laid back and open. A new person at a party is an opportunity to meet and bond with someone new. At the same time I don't particularly appreciate it when siblings try to force you to do everything with them only if their significant other is present too. The dog situation omg... Not sure I can even comment on that. Did they ever pinpoint exactly how it was different?
At least being single is more accepted now but not as much as it should be.
I’ve often thought about this especially as many of my friends are losing their life partners at this age. We gather around them, hold them close, listening for what they need…to know they are not alone. Having lived alone for many years, I know how to do it well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely at times, too.
Great post, Jan! Our society definitely pushes people toward coupledom and marriage. Stories about independent singles don’t “take” as well as rom-coms, sadly. As for your poll, I’d say the hardest part of being single changes over time and varies with/without kids or family nearby.
So interesting, Jan! I am shocked ( shocked I tell you!) that someone would say their conversations were different with you when your dog was there… I’ve always had dogs, except now unfortunately, and so have many of my friends- the dogs only added to the conversation! Maybe with children… but you are so right about the way kids are treated now versus a few decades ago when adults are visiting.
I'm confused by this statement: "Even under the age of 35, the net worth of married couples was 9.2% more than unmarried female heads of households." Are they comparing a married household to a coupled, but not married, household? (In which it could make sense.) However, it reads as though comparing a couple to a single-parent household.... in which case it would mean that two potential wage earners were only earning 9.2% more than a single wage earner!
"Being single is countercultural..." Love it! The hardest part of being single is having to convince people you are happy and fulfilled...that this doesn't automatically happen with either being alone OR having a partner! Either way of life presents challenges. That is life.
I have to say, there have been many more downsides to being coupled than upsides for me. Which is why I'm single now, and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not opposed to being coupled, exactly, but relationships require energy and attention that I just don't have right now. I have creative shit to do which is infinitely more important to me. It's also the case, and I don't think this is true for everyone but it's definitely true for me, that I tend to lose myself in relationships too easily. Men (who are who I mostly have romantic relationships with) often don't have a lot of intimate connections outside of their romantic partnerships. Patriarchy sort of sets them up to want their partner to not have much outside of their relationships because they don't have much outside their relationship, emotionally anyway. And patriarchy also trains men to devalue women's work and creative pursuits.
Not all men are like this, I know. But most are, in my experience. And simply the pursuit of one who might be different requires time and energy that, again, I do not have. Maybe someday. But also, maybe not.
The emergency contact thing is so true. I've been leaning on my Quaker community a bit for things like rides to/from an outpatient procedure that requires anesthesia (you can Uber to an appointment like that, but they won't release you to a stranger while you're still coming out of it, so it's got to be someone you know). As a single dad now, I also wrestle with logistics since I can't just leave my two younger kids home alone if I need to run an errand. (The 11-yr-old is OK holding down the fort for brief periods)
This is a fairly sunny view of marriage: "But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances." Ideally, yes. But plenty of marriages are troubled by disputes about finances or stress from career changes or income disparities. Not to mention the expectations that we bring to marriage from our various socializations. Marriage is often more work than bliss, and when a marriage is failing, all that work is just battering a wall. One thing I find refreshing as a divorced person is the knowledge that all of the work I'm putting into healing and self-reflection is going somewhere. There are also no one's expectations to contend with but my own.
Your friend wanting you to use his wife as emergency contract might be doing that to honor his wife. She might feel a bit uneasy with him being so close to another woman that she feels he could, at some time in your life, be your most important man. Especially if she doesn't know you well.
Marriage is work but work can be enjoyable. Sometimes, when I take my two young grandsons with me to places like shopping etc, they are a real hasstle to deal with. If someone makes a comment (almost always a nice comment) about their energy, I say that they don't make my life easier, but the do make it a lot better. Same goes for my wife. An easy life isn't always a better life.
My patriarchy taught me to love and support my wife. She is often going places, meeting friends, visiting friends while I stay home with the kids. When I was young, my dad worked and my mom stayed home but my mom also had a much larger circle of friends and spent more time with them than my dad did with his.
Really interesting post, Jan! Sometimes I wish life would just be easier and people were more laid back and open. A new person at a party is an opportunity to meet and bond with someone new. At the same time I don't particularly appreciate it when siblings try to force you to do everything with them only if their significant other is present too. The dog situation omg... Not sure I can even comment on that. Did they ever pinpoint exactly how it was different?
At least being single is more accepted now but not as much as it should be.
I’ve often thought about this especially as many of my friends are losing their life partners at this age. We gather around them, hold them close, listening for what they need…to know they are not alone. Having lived alone for many years, I know how to do it well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely at times, too.
Great post today, Jan.