The Problem with Your Single Friends
If you're coupled, you may not have noticed. But it would be great if you did.
Being single isn’t easy. Being coupled isn’t always easy either, but the world caters to couples. Our cultural and religious norms promote marriage as the pinnacle experience, especially if you are female. Finding a mate is meant to be our greatest aspiration. And we are led to believe that those who have, possess bliss and riches for which singles can only long.
Which, if you’re married, you know this isn’t necessarily true. Marriage isn’t always bliss. But the riches… there IS some truth there. A 2022 report from the U.S. Census Bureau found that married couples are “far more likely” to have a higher net worth – $250,000 or more above unmarried couples. Even under the age of 35, the net worth of married couples was 9.2% more than unmarried female heads of households.
Maybe you saw the following BBC clip posted to social media today. I can’t decide if it’s funny or just soberingly true. (jump to the 13 seconds mark and watch until 2:20)
This post isn’t about being married per se. It’s about being single. It’s about the things that coupled folks tend to take for granted.
Firstly, there’s the emergency contact question. At work, at the doctor, at the gym… Practically any place you need to sign into will ask for an emergency contact. If you’re not partnered and a family member doesn’t live nearby, whom do you identify?
I’ve moved a lot, so I’ve faced this dilemma many times. I once asked a high school friend, with whom I had reconnected after many years, and who’s sister had a connection with my brother, if I could use him as my emergency contact. After all, there was history between our families. His response? “Use my wife’s name instead.” That was a gut punch, though I’m sure not intended as such. You must understand, I didn’t know his wife. I had only met her once. And let’s be honest, what are the odds that the emergency contact is ever called? In other words, he said no. He was too busy.
Inevitably, it’s always a female friend that comes through. Because, quite typically, this is what females do: we take care of each other. Of course, I say this as a female. Guys, what do you do? Who is your emergency contact when you’re not married or living near family?
Then there’s the challenge of socializing.
I was once invited to a crepes party. Yes, I’m sure you’re as confused as I was. The host was French and only said it was a French holiday of some sort for which she liked to celebrate by throwing a party during which crepes were the theme. How charming, I thought, and accepted. Then, a week before the event, I texted to say whom I would be bringing. Not necessary, it was a party after all, but it seemed like a nice thing to do. Even perhaps, a way of bonding ahead of time with the host, who really was only an acquaintance, not a close friend.
To my surprise, the response came back: “You can’t bring someone, the invite was only for you.” Seriously? I’ve hosted a LOT of parties. Parties are fluid. If a single person wanted to come alone, great. And if they wanted to bring a friend, especially if they didn’t know anyone else who would be there, well of course! A sit-down dinner is naturally different as there are only so many seats at a table. That’s when I learned that “a crepe party” really meant a sit-down meal, which I would never have accepted as a single person with people I didn’t know. And really, isn’t this is something the host should have made clear with the invite?
Does it sound like I’m complaining? I’m not. I loved being single. Being single was my choice. But damn, I can understand why so many folks chose otherwise. Being single can be a challenge.
I heard someone say recently that she didn’t like when people refer to their pets as babies or kids. “I’ve never ended a friendship when someone got a dog.” True, I thought, neither have I. And I haven’t ended a friendship when kids entered the picture either, but… let’s be honest, things can change.
Married couples tend to have kids. And when they do, their kids become their number one priority. When I was younger, three decades ago, this wasn’t so much a problem. Maybe because back then my newly parental friends were pretty easy-going about their children. Kids went everywhere and were expected to fall asleep or play by themselves while the adults had time together. That’s not true anymore. Now, kids are always the focus. It’s perfectly acceptable for them to interrupt conversations repeatedly for any reason far less than an emergency.
A friend told me last year she felt that way about my dog. When my dog was around, she said, our conversations weren’t the same as when she wasn’t there. That was hard for me to hear – and – at the same time, I completely understand where she’s coming from. For the first time, I understand my friends who have kids. Yes, the kids (my dog) are the top priority. Sometimes friendships need a break while the kids grow up (and my dog can finally be left at home).
I became fond of saying my dog Mazie should always be considered my “other.” I mean honestly, we don’t always like our friend’s significant other (or like them as much as our friend) but we would never invite a friend to dinner and not their spouse, right?
On the other hand, that’s one of the challenges of being single: a lack of 1:1 time with our friends who are now coupled. Sometimes we want time alone with our friends, apart from their spouses, even if we like who they married!
Marriage tends to bring comforts and security which are often taken for granted. Yes, it is frustrating as heck when you’re trying to start a business and it’s not working. Or scary as hell when you get laid off or fired. But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances.
Single people have their pets for comfort. And single people, hopefully, have friends. Ideally, great friends. Friends who agree to be their emergency contact. Friends who recognize the potential awkwardness of social engagements. Friends who bring soup when you’re sick, or walk your dog when you can’t, or help you move. Friends who recognize the scale is always tilted a bit against the uncoupled and do a little extra to help you feel included, comfortable, and at home.
Being single can be a challenge that is, naturally, borne alone. But if you’re coupled and want to be a good friend to others who aren’t, you might consider it your challenge as well.
The emergency contact thing is so true. I've been leaning on my Quaker community a bit for things like rides to/from an outpatient procedure that requires anesthesia (you can Uber to an appointment like that, but they won't release you to a stranger while you're still coming out of it, so it's got to be someone you know). As a single dad now, I also wrestle with logistics since I can't just leave my two younger kids home alone if I need to run an errand. (The 11-yr-old is OK holding down the fort for brief periods)
This is a fairly sunny view of marriage: "But if you’re married, there’s always someone who has your back. Someone else who helps pay the bills. Someone to comfort you, to help with big decisions as well as finances." Ideally, yes. But plenty of marriages are troubled by disputes about finances or stress from career changes or income disparities. Not to mention the expectations that we bring to marriage from our various socializations. Marriage is often more work than bliss, and when a marriage is failing, all that work is just battering a wall. One thing I find refreshing as a divorced person is the knowledge that all of the work I'm putting into healing and self-reflection is going somewhere. There are also no one's expectations to contend with but my own.
I have to say, there have been many more downsides to being coupled than upsides for me. Which is why I'm single now, and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not opposed to being coupled, exactly, but relationships require energy and attention that I just don't have right now. I have creative shit to do which is infinitely more important to me. It's also the case, and I don't think this is true for everyone but it's definitely true for me, that I tend to lose myself in relationships too easily. Men (who are who I mostly have romantic relationships with) often don't have a lot of intimate connections outside of their romantic partnerships. Patriarchy sort of sets them up to want their partner to not have much outside of their relationships because they don't have much outside their relationship, emotionally anyway. And patriarchy also trains men to devalue women's work and creative pursuits.
Not all men are like this, I know. But most are, in my experience. And simply the pursuit of one who might be different requires time and energy that, again, I do not have. Maybe someday. But also, maybe not.