Let's Talk About Marriage, Part 2

Some marriage myths need to be examined - and - you don't need to be married to have a good life

Thank you to everyone who responded to my first post in this series. And to all of you who read it and pondered. One response, in particular, is worth highlighting. It comes from a friend in Norway who has been married for 35 years. His secret?

 Not easy to explain, but I try to remember to tell her almost every day that I love her and just that I am thankful for her every day, and do my best in my part of this marriage. And don’t expect too much back. 😁 Give more than you expect back 🥰🤩😉

Really good advice! Gratitude is always key. Studies indicate that in the longest-lasting marriages, both partners respect each other and are kind.

He goes on to say,

It is good to have a partner ❤️🥰 , but it’s possible to have a good life with good friends and family.

I have to say how grateful I am for this last comment. Yes, it’s good to have a partner in life, if that is what life brings you. But having a good life does not depend on this. Having good friends and family can be just as wonderful as having a spouse. (and some might argue, sometimes better!)

The depression I suffered in 2019 was largely rooted in the mythology of marriage. The idea that a  spouse would make things easier and better. Being married would guarantee that someone had my back and would be there when anything difficult happened. At the same time, I was in a crippling job with a terrible boss. If I was married, somehow the job would be easier. Hah!

My 5-month depression finally broke when I remembered that people die and marriages don’t always last. I know several folks whose spouses passed, even early in the marriage. On top of the grief, this caused tremendous hardship. In other words, there are no guarantees. I was living under the myth that marriage guaranteed my happiness. And that is quite definitely a myth.

I also remembered that outside of the myth, I truly like my life. I have lots of love in my life. And I have incredibly good friends, a few of whom I know without a doubt that if the worst things happened to me and I was suddenly in need of help that included lodging, caregiving, or even money, those friends would be there. They have my back no matter what.

Acknowledging this liberated me from the idea that somehow my life was lacking without a spouse. I was able to get back to enjoying my life, recognizing all the good in it, instead of feeling it was somehow deficient.

This goes back to what I mentioned in my last post on marriage: Let’s Talk About Marriage, Part 1. I strongly believe there needs to be more focus on us being whole and healthy persons who chose partners to spend our lives with – and much less emphasis on finding a soulmate or your “other half”.

Now, if you do find someone that you want to marry, someone who makes you happy, someone with whom you are truly compatible, and with whom you want to make a life-long commitment, that’s fantastic. How your marriage will work, however, may look very different from what you think.

There isn’t just one way to be married.  We are so culturally indoctrinated to a “norm” that it can be difficult to see outside of it. But that doesn’t mean you need to conform to other people’s expectations. Do what feels right for you. Ladies, you do not need to take your husband’s last name. You do not need to have children.  And – you may want to sit down for this – you don’t need to live together either.

Many of you are probably wondering what the point of marriage is if you’re not cohabitating. I would offer it’s the same as any marriage. You are taking a vow to love and support each other. Not to be “in love” forever but to love – in good times and in bad – when it’s easy and even when it’s not, and this means adapting to change. To love is to be kind, respectful, honest, and supportive. To love means to embrace another as they are. And some folks need more space and more solitude than others. This is not contrary to being a faithful, attentive, and loving spouse.

A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love. —Pearl S. Buck

In 2021, Susanna Maddrigal wrote about how she and her husband had been married for four years and still didn’t live together. “We’re Married But Never Moved In Together. Here’s Why It Works For Us.”  They live four hours apart and spend maybe two weeks a month sleeping in the same bed. There are various reasons for this, all of which (I believe) only matter to them. It’s none of our business. If it works, that’s fantastic. If this kind of arrangement triggers you, however, and you think it is fundamentally wrong, you may need to look at why. Perhaps deep down you wish you could enjoy a bit more space in your own marriage?

In real love, you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.

I’ve known folks who live in a duplex, each occupying their own unit. Others live in the same house but each enjoy their own bedroom. This, actually, is even more common as we age. Twenty to 25% of couples sleep in separate bedrooms. This New York Times article discusses the benefits of having a room to one’s self. Far beyond the idea of a man cave or woman’s craft room (both terrifyingly stereotypical), a bedroom is a place to rest and recharge. And decorating it in your own style is helpful. No arguing over blankets, room temperature, or bed firmness. No snoring or leg-kicking that keeps you awake.

31% of surveyed couples who said they sleep apart reported that the arrangement had no impact on their relationship, and 21 percent said that their relationship improved because of it.

Ronda Kayson, “I Love You but I Don’t Want to Sleep With You”

Another New York Times article, from December 2022, explores the rise in living apart after the pandemic. Sometimes couples just need a little space. The commitment and love are still there. Distance allows conscious intention to return to the relationship, relieving us from taking each other for granted.

Ranier Maria Rilke writes in Letters to a Young Poet,

“All companionship can consist only in the strengthening of two neighboring solitudes, whereas everything that one is wont to call giving oneself is by nature harmful to companionship: for when a person abandons himself, he is no longer anything, and when two people both give themselves up in order to come close to each other, there is no longer any ground beneath them and their being together is a continual falling. I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.”

One of the reasons Tom and I work is, I believe, that we don’t live together. In 17 years, we have never lived together. Admittedly, there was definitely a time when I wanted us to. But that was a long time ago when we were younger. Now, after so many years of living alone, I enjoy my solitude. More than that, I require some solitude. Tom does as well. Of course, it’s all about balance and balance is a constant adjustment. There is no definitive recipe for a healthy relationship and the right amount of time spent together. Communication, however, is key.

At the same time, living apart means we miss a lot of communication that naturally happens when cohabitating. Living in two different states has some real challenges. But we have never not been there for each other. With that as our foundation, everything else is, well, figuring it out as we go along.

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So many difficulties in a marriage stem from believing there is only one way to be together. When in truth, the possibilities are endless.

What myths about marriage have snared you? Have these myths soured your enthusiasm for marriage or caused you problems in the pursuit of it?

Is there something you and your spouse do that is considered unconventional or outside the norm? Please share - I’d love to hear from you.