Interesting angle. I grew up on a remote acreage in Montana, and my childhood was defined by quiet. Now as a father of three children who have a double dose of Type A from their parents (my wife is Italian), I live with constant noise and chaos. I love my children with my life, but I do not love their yelling or fighting or loud negotiations. How fascinating to think that they might someday remember that cacophony differently! My favorite moments with my kids are board games, playing music together (my oldest plays violin and accompanies me on guitar), and reading before bed. All simulations of my childhood.
Ah! Three kids and now you work (largely? completely?) from home! That's a huge leap from your comfort zone. As much as we may say "use your inside voice", kids will always be loud creatures. And as much of that is yelling or fighting, there's equally the squeals of joy and delight - almost indistinguishable in decibels! As for what your kids will remember and feel connected to... don't underestimate the power of those board games, music, and reading. These are powerfully intimate experiences of growth and may imprint far deeper than the noise and chaos. Or not! :)
Thanks :). I'm quite secure in what I share with my kids and how I connect with them, but it was interesting to consider that they might have fond associations with things that I find more challenging! My eldest daughter spent the hour after lunch reading in the maple tree where I nailed some steps to the trunk, so she could reach the lower branches. I did the same thing in a birch tree near my childhood home. So I think even my kids seek out solitude and quiet at times, despite their default settings of noise.
As our families seem to be a bit similar, I wonder if our German Lutheran heritage has something to do with it as well. And then on top of that, education. Which is to say, all together there was an obedient, reverent, and ordered expectation. In some homes that might be executed as cold or distant but fortunately not ours. We had very loving and engaged parents. And very German Lutheran, yes? :)
Much to think about here, Jan! For me, I grew up with two brothers and preoccupied parents--my dad with work, and my mom with continuous phone conversations with friends. Home was a place where I had unending time to entertain myself. I think that’s where my creativity and independence were born. Now I find myself retreating into myself at home sometimes. My husband had to become accustomed to my silence as my need to think instead of interpreting it as “the silent treatment.”🤣
Oh Holly, that is very interesting! And how wonderful that you know you need this quiet time, this independent time to tap into a deep part of yourself - your creativity, your wisdom - in order to recharge. Interesting that we don't question so much when men are silent or alone but when women do it there is an assumption that something is wrong. I'm so glad to hear that you recognize this need and that your husband honors it!
Such an interesting post and indeed, a fascinating angle from which to discuss the type of atmosphere that feel like home to us.
I'd have to say I had both a loud and quiet home life... For most of the time, there was only my parents and me, because my sister was 12 years older than I. But she always brought lots of interesting (hippie, artist) friends back who seemed to enjoy sitting at our kitchen table and chatting with my parents. . Also had neighbors close by with lots of family members coming and going, especially in summer...and no air conditioning, of course. Fun, really. Yet I've lived alone for several decades.
Is living alone your preference? I wonder - based on what you shared above - if you continue to enjoy interesting and diverse conversations and in fact need this kind of engagement yet also enjoy your time alone, perhaps to process and prepare for the next engagement. It sounds like most prominent experience as a child was you alone. Yet your sisters and your neighbors introduced another element that enlivened you and, as you seem to look back on those contributions fondly, you perhaps have sought that out in your life. Perhaps in your work life? Perhaps even with your Substack? And without this, your decades alone may have felt lonely, but as long as you have this somewhere--as long as this need is met in some area of your life--living alone feels natural and even comforting. ?
While my family's homes when I was a child were quiet and calm, my summers on my grandma's farm was completely the opposite. And everything I experienced there during those summers still provides a sense of home for me today, a casual comfort that I long for in balance with quiet and calm. Impromptu drop-by's to say hello and chat, large meals shared family-style with multiple hands in the kitchen, laughter, games, lounging... I need these things as something I can drop in and out of. I have always wanted to live communally (I know know this is based on my time on the farm) but my primary imprint for quiet and calm comes first. I need to be able to control -to some extent- the amount of noise and commotion, even as much as I long for it. Does that make sense? Does this sound similar to how you feel?
I don’t remember my childhood home being particularly noisy or quiet. I do remember my mother listening to Walter Cronkite every morning and that she played Stephen Foster records a lot. We had big noisy holiday dinners, but day-to-day I think the house was fairly quiet. I wanted to be where the activity was, so I preferred to do my homework at the kitchen table. That’s probably why even now, decades later, I’d rather work in the living/dining room than in my back-of-the-house office. That feels normal to me, and I suppose it’s a form of home.
Oh, I think your preference for working in the living or dining room does indeed stem from this experience as a kid! It also gave you control over how much stimulation you received. You could do your homework there and be "where the activity" was and then you could also leave and retreat to your bedroom or "back-of-the-house" whenever you wished. I think it may be both your preference as well as your control (your choice to engage or not) that feels most comfortable to you. And yes, that is most certainly a form of home.
Interesting angle. I grew up on a remote acreage in Montana, and my childhood was defined by quiet. Now as a father of three children who have a double dose of Type A from their parents (my wife is Italian), I live with constant noise and chaos. I love my children with my life, but I do not love their yelling or fighting or loud negotiations. How fascinating to think that they might someday remember that cacophony differently! My favorite moments with my kids are board games, playing music together (my oldest plays violin and accompanies me on guitar), and reading before bed. All simulations of my childhood.
Ah! Three kids and now you work (largely? completely?) from home! That's a huge leap from your comfort zone. As much as we may say "use your inside voice", kids will always be loud creatures. And as much of that is yelling or fighting, there's equally the squeals of joy and delight - almost indistinguishable in decibels! As for what your kids will remember and feel connected to... don't underestimate the power of those board games, music, and reading. These are powerfully intimate experiences of growth and may imprint far deeper than the noise and chaos. Or not! :)
Thanks :). I'm quite secure in what I share with my kids and how I connect with them, but it was interesting to consider that they might have fond associations with things that I find more challenging! My eldest daughter spent the hour after lunch reading in the maple tree where I nailed some steps to the trunk, so she could reach the lower branches. I did the same thing in a birch tree near my childhood home. So I think even my kids seek out solitude and quiet at times, despite their default settings of noise.
You’ve recovered, nice!
Phil
Five of us kids, and yet my memories are of a calm household.
Must have been the prevailing atmosphere of love.
That’s beautiful. 🧡
As our families seem to be a bit similar, I wonder if our German Lutheran heritage has something to do with it as well. And then on top of that, education. Which is to say, all together there was an obedient, reverent, and ordered expectation. In some homes that might be executed as cold or distant but fortunately not ours. We had very loving and engaged parents. And very German Lutheran, yes? :)
Much to think about here, Jan! For me, I grew up with two brothers and preoccupied parents--my dad with work, and my mom with continuous phone conversations with friends. Home was a place where I had unending time to entertain myself. I think that’s where my creativity and independence were born. Now I find myself retreating into myself at home sometimes. My husband had to become accustomed to my silence as my need to think instead of interpreting it as “the silent treatment.”🤣
Oh Holly, that is very interesting! And how wonderful that you know you need this quiet time, this independent time to tap into a deep part of yourself - your creativity, your wisdom - in order to recharge. Interesting that we don't question so much when men are silent or alone but when women do it there is an assumption that something is wrong. I'm so glad to hear that you recognize this need and that your husband honors it!
Such an interesting post and indeed, a fascinating angle from which to discuss the type of atmosphere that feel like home to us.
I'd have to say I had both a loud and quiet home life... For most of the time, there was only my parents and me, because my sister was 12 years older than I. But she always brought lots of interesting (hippie, artist) friends back who seemed to enjoy sitting at our kitchen table and chatting with my parents. . Also had neighbors close by with lots of family members coming and going, especially in summer...and no air conditioning, of course. Fun, really. Yet I've lived alone for several decades.
Is living alone your preference? I wonder - based on what you shared above - if you continue to enjoy interesting and diverse conversations and in fact need this kind of engagement yet also enjoy your time alone, perhaps to process and prepare for the next engagement. It sounds like most prominent experience as a child was you alone. Yet your sisters and your neighbors introduced another element that enlivened you and, as you seem to look back on those contributions fondly, you perhaps have sought that out in your life. Perhaps in your work life? Perhaps even with your Substack? And without this, your decades alone may have felt lonely, but as long as you have this somewhere--as long as this need is met in some area of your life--living alone feels natural and even comforting. ?
While my family's homes when I was a child were quiet and calm, my summers on my grandma's farm was completely the opposite. And everything I experienced there during those summers still provides a sense of home for me today, a casual comfort that I long for in balance with quiet and calm. Impromptu drop-by's to say hello and chat, large meals shared family-style with multiple hands in the kitchen, laughter, games, lounging... I need these things as something I can drop in and out of. I have always wanted to live communally (I know know this is based on my time on the farm) but my primary imprint for quiet and calm comes first. I need to be able to control -to some extent- the amount of noise and commotion, even as much as I long for it. Does that make sense? Does this sound similar to how you feel?
I don’t remember my childhood home being particularly noisy or quiet. I do remember my mother listening to Walter Cronkite every morning and that she played Stephen Foster records a lot. We had big noisy holiday dinners, but day-to-day I think the house was fairly quiet. I wanted to be where the activity was, so I preferred to do my homework at the kitchen table. That’s probably why even now, decades later, I’d rather work in the living/dining room than in my back-of-the-house office. That feels normal to me, and I suppose it’s a form of home.
Oh, I think your preference for working in the living or dining room does indeed stem from this experience as a kid! It also gave you control over how much stimulation you received. You could do your homework there and be "where the activity" was and then you could also leave and retreat to your bedroom or "back-of-the-house" whenever you wished. I think it may be both your preference as well as your control (your choice to engage or not) that feels most comfortable to you. And yes, that is most certainly a form of home.
Thank you for responding!