“Last fall when we decided to do this, I suggested we might just keep it simple and go to Bliss. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to say we were married in Bliss? And you responded, “I don’t think Bliss is what you think it is.”
Of course, you were talking about the town. But it might also be said about a state of being. Wedded bliss may not always be blissful. I can guarantee there will be times when it’s not. But after 18 years of our lives spent together and apart, always supportive of each other, always caring, always with love, I can also guarantee that will not change.”
So began my vows last Saturday in front of thirty family members and six local friends. And if you’re familiar with The Princess Bride, you’ll understand why I thought Tom’s response was so brilliant.
It was his vows, however, that moved most to an added moistness in their eyes. Speaking clearly, from the heart and from memory, he choked up, causing my own heart to both contract and expand at the same time (just like how a star is formed). A tissue was needed to clear my nose and wipe my eyes as well as a moment to regain my composure. Vows said in front of community have power.
As for the rings… Belinda Luscombe makes an interesting case for doing away with engagement rings in her recent Time article. My reasoning wasn’t this thought out. In fact, it was pretty simple: I didn’t want one. Firstly, of course, there’s the cost. Our running joke every time I save some money is whether it’s enough to buy a new toilet or bidet. A diamond engagement ring? My goodness, that’s more than the cost of a new bathroom in Sicily! (well, what I hope will be my new bathroom) Besides, I don’t need another ring for my ring finger. I have lots of rings. Including the gold Greek key band my mother gave me decades ago, which I only really started wearing last fall when I went to Sicily after the purchase of our home was complete. (I thought it best for Italians to assume I was married.) Since Sicily was the “new” Greece back in the 400-200 BCE years, this symbol for eternity and unity is beautifully fitting in multiple ways. Then there is the diamond band I inherited from my mother. It wasn’t actually my mother’s but I did receive it through inheritance. The point is, I love this white gold diamond ring and rarely wear it, even before my fingers expanded. After having it resized, these rings together are perfect for what our culture seems to require for visually recognizing a committed union.
Tom “gave” me these rings during the ceremony to symbolize what I bring to our marriage. This was important to me. Equally important was me giving him the only ring I inherited from my father thirty-three years ago. (Actually, I inherited two other rings of his, but those were stolen in an apartment robbery shortly after his death.) I have always loved this bold ring and have fond memories of my father wearing it, dressed in a double-breasted blue blazer and paisley tie. Sure, the star sapphire might be a bit dated (they were hugely popular in the ‘70s), but it is said to be a stone of destiny and was once associated with travelers (of the pilgrimage sort) and worn as protection from illness and harm. As an added bonus, blue is Tom’s favorite color.
What I really wanted for a wedding ring was a thumb ring and I will probably never stop hoping that others agree and this catches on as a trend. There’s plenty of symbolism in the thumb. Our “ring” finger, by the way, was once believed to contain a vein that reached directly to the heart. The ancient Romans called this the vena amoris, Latin for “vein of love”. We now know that every finger has a vein that circulates blood to and from the heart so the reason for wearing a wedding ring on the fourth finger no longer applies, except for tradition.
On the other hand (no pun intended), is a wedding band for others or for ourselves? If the latter, there is no better place than the thumb. You see a ring on your thumb far more often and more directly than on the fourth finger. And I want to see the ring. I don’t care what others see. The ring is for me. The ring is a constant reminder of my commitment, of my union with another, and of my vows.
As for symbolism, what resonates with me the most is that our thumbs are one of the things that clearly differentiate us from most animals. (The Art of Racing in the Rain is perhaps the most endearing example of this while there are, however, a few animals that also have opposable thumbs.) Thumbs make our lives easier and allow us to do complicated tasks. Thumbs make so much more possible. And that is all the symbolism I need. My wedding band is a representation of all that marriage can be. It’s a chevron. A wave with a crest. A mountain peak and a valley. A heartbeat. It’s fluid and gold and just a bit sparkly. For me, it’s perfect.
Kudos to Tom for trusting me with choosing his ring and, fortunately, he loves it as much as I do. It is 14k gold with 925 Silver from Alain Raphael, an Italian jeweler and designer in Canada who was truly a delight to work with. It strikes me as modern twist on tradition and even has a special engraving inside in Italian (by my request).
Unplanned as this coincidence was, it’s also worth noting that we shared our special day with Festa di Santa Rosalia - the festival celebrating the patron saint of Palermo. Credited with saving the city from the plague in the early 17th Century, I heard a lot about St. Rosalia while in Sicily for four months at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic. During that time, I fell in love with this island brimming with history, art, tradition, amazing wine and local cuisine, incredibly good people, and esquisite natural beauty. And that, in turn, led to the purchase of Antica Fermata Latomie, an historic train stop house that we are very slowly renovating and I still hope to live in full-time. (And if we’re going to be fully honest, this was Tom’s engagement ring to me.)
At this moment, however, I’m back in Tulsa and Tom is in Idaho. We both wish we were together. Hard to believe our wedding was just one week ago. We had three truly lovely nights in Idaho City, which were so nice and so relaxing that I can see us returning there again and again. Meanwhile, I am working. Tom is working. Life, at least in the immediate, is back to normal. Our moment suspended in out-of-time was everything we both hoped for. Perhaps shorter than we would like but… my grandparents got married on a Tuesday morning and were back at work the next day. Everything is relative.
After all these years, we’ve been referring to this moment as “the beginning of the best is yet to come.” The Good Stuff. What happens next, no one ever knows, but we have some pretty good ideas. What’s important is that we are now creating something new together and we’re both excited to see how it takes shape and grows.
As for the wedding itself, I honestly don’t think I have ever seen Tom happier. And that, more than anything else, makes me incredibly happy. Cheers to the good stuff! Cheers to the future! Love is always the answer.
music on the video is “Dreaming of You” by Brian Culbertson
Our Celebrated Moment in Time