Great neighborhoods are a gift but I also think we have lost the ability to create them. My parents were really gifted at being able to create community. They did by literally inviting people in. They walked down the street, knocked on doors, introduced themselves and invited people to a casual party. In his early 80’s my dad started a neighborhood poetry group where people read and discussed poems. I wish I could say that I learned from their example but I have never done anything like that. But I am not in my 80’s yet. Maybe it’s not too late to start.
It sounds like your folks were always like this though, yes? Your dad started the poetry group in his 80s but it his pattern of "inviting people in" must have begun well before that. Do you remember this as a kid? When we're kids, it can go either way. Meaning, typically we either think our parent's behavior is great - or - we hate it and are embarrassed by it. Whichever one it is will likely influence our own behavior as adults. And then we get into a pattern we don't know how to change (or don't wish to change).
That's a long way of asking: do you wish you could create community like your parents did? If so, what do you think keeps you from doing it? Fear of harm? Fear of rejection? Fear of ultimately not liking your neighbors? Your comment of not being in your 80s yet reminds me of the poem "When I'm an Old Woman" - maybe you know it? The idea being that when we get old we can let go of society's expectations of us and our behavior and we can just go ahead and do whatever makes us happy. And sometimes that's the secret to creating community - not caring what others think and just doing what makes you happy. Like your dad liking poetry and asking strangers if they wanted to read some with him. (Which sounds a lot like my dad, btw) ;)
Wow. These are great questions. I think you are getting at issues of confidence in self. There is definitely some fear there. Fear of rejection but more in the form of embarrassment. I do wish I could create community the way my parents did. I do know that poem When I am an Old Woman. It’s an invitation to let go in a way. I want to end this post by saying I can do it but I am not sure yet. I will let you know. Thank you. I am letting this sit and swirl around in me.
I’m a student and have moved to various different houses with difference friends almost every year for the past 10 years. The only neighbor that I have ever gotten to know throughout those 10 years became one of my closest friends. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I always thought to myself, what are the chances. Otherwise, I’ve never known a neighbor in my adult life.
It's wonderful that you've become close with your one neighbor and, it seems, have stayed friends even as you continue to move. So, how did that happen? how did that friendship begin?
As for not knowing other neighbors, has that been a personal choice or would you prefer to know more?
The dogs were in CA. I think the kids called them Auntie and Uncle also.
Samoan actually. When I asked her if I could marry her daughter her mom said “when you marry the daughter you marry the family”. I said I’ve been calling you mom for years.
We probably wouldn’t use Aunti and Uncle if we were both from the mainland and lived there. In Hawaii all elders are Aunti and Uncle or Tutu.
Aww, I like that in CA you had such great neighbors who loved your dog!
And I like your mother-in-law's comment. We need extended families. We need to create our own families, of course, but it is so good to be part of larger families.
Elders used to be revered in every culture. We've lost that in modern America, and it is a great loss indeed.
Born as a third generation American of German Lutheran background, I experienced growing up with two different givens defining neighborhoods. Until grade five I viewed corn fields to south and east. To north and west a few homes of paternal relatives, cutting edge of urban chicagoans retiring to rural pre-suburbia. I was enrolled in the village Lutheran school. All my friends were from that group, averaging one friend every two blocks. We gathered, played baseball, occasionally interacted with other kids, but not too much. Grade five I finished at a Lutheran school in New Mexico. Same M.O.
Friends were limited to schoolmates. Neighborhood for my family meant our congregation. All socials
Reflected the church-year. In that world family life was defined as home, church and school. That world still exists. I prefer the revision that suggests gifting the new next-door folks with some fresh baked cookies and a smile. Home is really a movable feast, or perhaps just a movable feat.
Nat, your response highlights how our understanding and experience of neighbors has changed with time. I think this kind of insular experience is no longer the norm, which has produced a great deal of anxiety in those who wish to maintain homogeneous areas, devoid of diversity.
I absolutely adore your last sentence: "Home is really a movable feast, or perhaps just a moveable feat." Indeed. Home takes effort. And the simplest of such efforts begins with a smile or the wave of a hand.
As a child in the 60's, I would go out to play in the morning and come home during the day only for lunch and dinner; I had to be home for good by the time it got dark. I had several friends within a block of where I lived and we played all day together. Our next door neighbor was a nice older couple and I used to go over there daily as they would have cookies for me; she also made the best home tortillas that I would snack on. They had animals that I could play with and I can also remember sitting and watching TV. In my early teen years, I would go over there and use their telephone to call my boyfriend, that my parents wouldn't let me call. I have such great childhood memories of neighbors and friends and I drive through neighborhoods today, and I don't see any kids outside playing and I feel so sad for those kids. I know it's not considered safe anymore to let your kids play outside without supervision in a lot of communities, and I also know that a lot of kids are behind screens and don't want to play outside, but it is still sad. As an adult, I haven't had much good luck with neighbors. :(
oh Gayla, your memories bring up so many important things! The older neighbors who had cookies and tortillas for you and allowed you to call your boyfriend from their phone... Research shows that kids need a minimum of 5 adults outside of their parents that they trust and with whom they have regular interaction, a personal relationship. These relationships are integral in our development and growth. As the saying goes... it takes a village. These days, there are multiple factors that make it difficult for these relationships to occur, all to the detriment of our society. :( I'm so glad you had this. Nurturing with food as well as nurturing your young love are equally important!
And, the playing outside - I've heard so many stories similar to yours, no matter where they grew up (I'm curious about this detail for you - did you grow up in a city, small town, suburb?) Playing outside, away from our parents, is also integral in our development and growth. Studies show kids who do not have similar experiences, meaning children who are always being supervised by adults, do not acquire problem-solving skills and lack in creativity. Our parental desire to keep our children safe can lead to deficits as adults - we need to give kids space to be kids. That kind of playing outside also produces place attachment - a positive connection to the environment in which they played and this, then, becomes a positive resource for us as adults. This same kind of environment is most often where we continue to feel most at home.
Thank you so much for responding! One more question: do you still today live in an environment that is similar to the one you grew up (and played) in? Meaning, while I understand your current neighbors are nothing like those from your childhood, do you still live in the same kind of town/city/ neighborhood as you did when you were young? If not, is that something you miss?
Jan, I agree with so many of your points above. I don't think kids know how to be kids and I don't think most are prepared for adulthood. In the current area I live in, while there is not a lot of wealth, the demographics are such that people can afford to buy most anything they want. I see so many parents raising entitled kids and then they wonder what happened when they turn out to be crappy adults.
I lived outside of a city of about 60k, about an hour east of Los Angeles. We actually lived in the "county" and the only difference was we didn't have the normal city rules/regs. The houses were on 1/2 acre lots, you could have livestock and farm animals, and there were none of the normal "city" restrictions on upkeep or anything else. My parents moved away from there when I was sixteen to a podunk country town in Texas and I thought my life was over. In many ways it was as I left everything that was important to me, namely friends. I was so different from the rest of my new classmates that I had a hard time making friends and I think that has carried on throughout my entire life. I'm an introvert and I prefer a few people at most, to a party or a bunch of people, even if those people are relatives.
I left Texas when I divorced and moved back to California to be close to family for support and I had a 7 year old daughter at that time. I was able to afford to buy a "mobile home" and my daughter also grew up in a similar circumstance as I did. It felt safe to let her run around in the MH park and visit friends, but I pretty much kept to myself. Her kids are not allowed to just be a kid and play outside because of the times we live in, so they have become addicted to screens and laziness is evident in everything they do, or don't do. But, that's a conversation for another day.
I divorced and moved back to Texas 12 years ago so I could be close to her and the grandkids and I've lived in the same apartment since I moved here. It's a gated complex and there are kids playing on the playground behind me without parents around, so I guess the parents feel safe letting their kids run around and play outside. Apartment living is transient and I see my neighbors if we happen to pass on the way up or down the stairs. The management has "resident events" but I've never been to any as the majority of the residents are much younger than I am and again, I don't like doing things with lots of people.
I am a year from retirement and I can't wait until then. I don't know what my future holds after I retire, but I'd like to have more people in my life, just all at once. I don't know what the answer is to doing that, but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along.
I don't miss the neighborhood I grew up in, I miss the "time period" I grew up in. Things seemed much easier then and maybe that was because I was a child. There is so much strife in everyday life now. I guess I'm the typical "older" person that sees life as so easy "back then."
Thanks for indulging me in my memories and sorry this was so long.
Indeed, your life DID end at 16 when your family moved to Texas. Your life at that point would never be the same. What you refer to as the "time period" of your youth does actually still exist in many places, even here in the U.S. While you may not particularly miss the neighborhood of your childhood, several things you say indicate that you miss the FEELING of your childhood growing up in that environment. And that is really legitimate. You felt safe then. You had freedom - without so many restrictions (be they city laws or just the ability to run around). Your current environment, in a gated community, doesn't provide this for you, despite resident events and children running around.
It's really good that you're thinking about all this now, with your retirement on the horizon. I'd love to talk to you about this, if you're interested in sharing more and searching for clues that will help in deciding what's next. Write to me at FindingHome@substack.com and let's get on the phone. That would be fun!
Once I came home from work and I could not find one of our dogs. I finally called my neighbors and they said she was in their living room watching TV and they would send her home when the movie was over. (yes, my dog).
Another time our dog stole another neighbors dogs rawhide bone. I thought my roommate gave it to him so I cut it in half because we had two dogs. Later the neighbors called and asked if Duke happen to have a rawhide bone. I had to fess up. They had given the bone to their dog to keep him busy while they were out for dinner. I told them that we'd take their dog for the night so he wasn't lonely. Later I made Duke carry a bone back to their dog.
In our current home our kids call our neighbors Auntie and Uncle which is kind of a cultural thing in Hawaii.
I LOVE the stories about your dog! Of course it says good things about your neighbors but it also says a lot about your dog. 😆🧡
You married a Hawaiian, yes? Do you think that makes a difference in relationship with neighbors? Meaning, would the relationship be different if both you and your wife were from the mainland?
Are the ones your kids call Auntie and Uncle the ones in the dog stories? Or is that indicative of your relationship with all your neighbors?
I have been lucky my whole life to have wonderful neighbors, whether for a decade in a mixed-income apartment building with 39 other families (seniors, New Americans, single-parent households, couples, everyone!), living during the pandemic amongst a small group of us in a quiet rural loop and trying to figure out how "friendly" we could be (see my post called "Rocky Drive" to read all about it!), or growing up on a busy street with a quieter neighborhood (and kids) behind.
Now, in our new home, I think we've hit the jackpot. Our next-door neighbors are so kind that our daughter begs for us to let her bring them flowers every night (buttercups and dandelions from the yard, which they ever-so-kindly accept with gusto). There are plenty of kids we are going to meet. I am so looking forward to spending many years surrounded by wonderful people.
Wow! I'm impressed that in an apartment building you were able to build such a community. (and yes, I will read your post Rocky Drive!) But I'm sure that this is also in part because YOU know how to be a good neighbor. Which is essential.
I am so excited for your new home! I LOVE that your daughter brings flowers to your neighbors - how incredibly sweet! yes, indeed, this sounds like it will be cozy, homey, and everything one can hope for. Congrats!
I grew up in a typical middle America hometown. We had wonderful neighbors all around with lots of kids and lots of moms and dads who watched out for all of us. We know everyone!
After college I moved back to that hometown to work for the city. Again, it was a wonderful experience in a small town.
At age 30 I moved to Tulsa to begin a new career. I mostly lived downtown for over 20 years and spent my time in apartments. I never knew any of my neighbors then. I bought a house in one of Tulsa’s historic neighborhoods and enjoyed knowing a few of my neighbors.
Three years ago my wife and I moved to a 55+ neighborhood. We absolutely love it. We know so many of our neighbors! As a matter of fact, we can drive throughout the entire development and name the family in each house. We gather with many of them to do various activities. The activities range from swimming, Pickleball,
going out to lunch or dinner together, or happy hour. We do a lot of other things with our neighbors including short trips and going to movies.
Since we are all over age 55 and are all empty-nesters, we have a lot in common.
I wouldn’t change a single thing about this chapter of my life. It’s amazing to have these wonderful neighbors surrounding us each and every day.
Thank you so much for responding, Jeri. I did wonder about your move. I knew building your home was thrilling but... you were so far south... would the folks in your development be too old, would they be accepting? Clearly this was the best decision you've ever made (well, in addition to marrying Cathy). What you describe is not something that can be fabricated - it has to happen organically. This makes me very happy. One day, I swear, I'm coming down to play Pickelball! love you.
I know some of my neighbors, casually. I should know their names, but my name memory isn't what it used to be. The neighborhood is great, a mix of old (me) and new. There is an older lady on one side who works her yard and plants tirelessly, but only waves. A mother and father and two teenagers on the other, I've known them before the kids were born. Across the street is a rental house where 3 or 4 lovely young single women live. They are all college graduates in their mid-twenties working their way into adulthood. Friendly. Next to them is a mid-thirties gal who inherited her father's oil business and seems to be doing well with it. We chat on the curb occasionally about her business or her horses. The other side is a new expensive house that a couple just moved into. We haven't met yet. I can't call all of them by name but, the neighborhood is diverse, fun, mid-town. We do know a few further away but fewer as distance increases. It was fun just to think of this. Thanks Jan.
oh Phil, I love this! Your description is cozy, easy, and - for lack of a better word - truly neighborly. The time you've been there enhances this. To know the parents pre-kids who are now teenagers. There is a comfort in this kind of consistency in this that is comforting. I wonder if this is easier to achieve with neighbors in houses than in apartments - and - or - if some of this is partial to Tulsa (tho certainly true in so many places, ah, but what's the common thread)? Thank you for sharing!!
Everywhere I lived in California, I knew my neighbors on both sides of the street for a block. They were all wonderful. That was before I saw the light and was still Republican. We all had a big neighbor party on the eve of the presidential election. They made an apple pie that said Clinton. I was voting against them. We all stayed up half the night watching the results. They won, I lost. So what. They were lovely.
When I moved to the same small town in Idaho as Jan, I lived for 20 years on a small deadend street lined with houses where none of my neighbors would have a thing to do with me. It was a culture shock. The myth of the friendly small town is bullshit. The only Idaho neighbor who made eye contact and talked to me was the one who drove home drunk as I was walking down the deadend street and jumped out and started screaming drunken profanity at me, spitting in my face. But that is Idaho.
Now I live in Charlotte, NC an urban area of 2.5 million people, and once again I know my neighbors up and down the block, 1 block away, 2 blocks away. They have cookie parties, pool parties, let's all go out to dinner and drink wine parties. My horse gets sick and I have medicine but no syringe. A flock of people show up with syringes in every size and shape. And I am having to relearn how to BE a neighbor. I am in bed at 10pm, I get a call to help catch an injured snapping turtle to go to a rehabber. I am exhausted but I say yes. I get dressed and head out in the rain and dark. The lady who graciously let me keep my injured horse in her barn before our barn was built a year prior texts everyone at 9pm that her barn and property is flooded. Can people help her walk her four horses to the higher community barn on the hill. Yes, I will do that. BE a neighbor. I forgot that trick, but I am relearning. The next day I find homemade oat horse cookies in my mail box. Opposite coast from California. Same people. Neighbors.
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing all of this. I LOVE hearing about your neighbors in Charlotte! It makes my heart happy to know such places still exist. And your story about the Clinton pie (circa 1996?) is priceless - different politics, still neighborly! As for Idaho, yes, that was a surprise for us both and I think there is something else at play there - but that's fodder for another conversation.
You are a good person and a good friend - I'm sure you're a good neighbor. (Not much to learn but definitely have to get accustomed to the gallop again!)
Wonderful article, Jan. We had very quiet, well-behaved neighbors growing up -- I lived next to a funeral home. Our real neighbors though, were a tight knit group of family friends and their children that all lived within a few blocks of one another. They were so close we called them Aunt and Uncle, and still do to this day. As I got older, married and had children, we've moved a few times, and neighbors always made a big difference. Neighbors make a difference in whether or not a house can be a home because our yards, gardens, decks, etc., can all be places of sanctuary, and without neighbors who understand that it can make for very difficult living.
I think you're so right and you say that so well: our homes ARE sanctuaries - safe, secure, and holy - and if we have neighbors who don't feel the same way or honor that, well, that can be extremely difficult. And if they deliberately do things that harm our sanctuary, it strikes at the heart of everything we hold dear.
I love that your childhood group of neighbor friends are still part of your larger family to this day. How wonderful!!
I live on a road in the Berkshires in western Massachusetts where the neighbors on either side of me are second homers. They both bought their houses recently and only surface in the late spring. People who only live here part-time are a different breed. They don't engage with the community. One of them recently had her lawyer call us because we were parking a few inches over the property line. It's dispiriting.
oh my! Dispiriting indeed. Where is the grace, the neighborliness in that? Perhaps a reflection of so much of America now: an inability to talk to each other. Have you ever met them face to face?
I have not. We had a good relationship with the previous owner but these people.....I don't know. I grew up in an apartment building in NYC so just the idea of a friendly next door neighbor is somewhat foreign but very appealing.
Neighbors are everything. We lived in NJ. 20 years ago on a block where every house (all built in 1920s) was 12 feet away from every other house. Sidewalks and porches. People from different backgrounds. When we first moved in, several new neighbors brought cookies to welcome us. But we didn’t really get to know each other for a couple years— and it was the kids who brought us together. Even the people who didn’t have kids or had grown kids did fun things with and for the kids and that was the excuse for the adults to get to know each other better, which led to dinners and block parties, and gatherings of all sorts. We lived there for 7 1/2 years.
Well, it’s been 20 years since then and I visited our old block last month. Called ahead to 2 neighbors and just walked up and knocked on the door of the third. It was amazing—like no time had passed…. except a big thing had happened: the kids were now grown up and gone. It seemed to make us more vulnerable with each other, because it was… just us. We went out for lunch. Talked about… where we were at, where we had been, about our uncertainty for our futures, a common theme. Three of us are now planning to get together in Vermont and Cape Cod.
.
More than anything, we all said we now know what we had was rare, and we took it for granted at the time. We now feel a tremendous sense of gratitude that we had each other, on that block that randomly brought us together, in that time….
Oh, this is wonderful! I see a lot of block parties in the Midwest. My brother has always had them wherever he lives. And yes, in large part, the children bring neighbors together. How wonderful to find that bond still there all these years later -and - the gift of it deepening into a deeper form of friendship now, without the children as a buffer.
Great neighborhoods are a gift but I also think we have lost the ability to create them. My parents were really gifted at being able to create community. They did by literally inviting people in. They walked down the street, knocked on doors, introduced themselves and invited people to a casual party. In his early 80’s my dad started a neighborhood poetry group where people read and discussed poems. I wish I could say that I learned from their example but I have never done anything like that. But I am not in my 80’s yet. Maybe it’s not too late to start.
It sounds like your folks were always like this though, yes? Your dad started the poetry group in his 80s but it his pattern of "inviting people in" must have begun well before that. Do you remember this as a kid? When we're kids, it can go either way. Meaning, typically we either think our parent's behavior is great - or - we hate it and are embarrassed by it. Whichever one it is will likely influence our own behavior as adults. And then we get into a pattern we don't know how to change (or don't wish to change).
That's a long way of asking: do you wish you could create community like your parents did? If so, what do you think keeps you from doing it? Fear of harm? Fear of rejection? Fear of ultimately not liking your neighbors? Your comment of not being in your 80s yet reminds me of the poem "When I'm an Old Woman" - maybe you know it? The idea being that when we get old we can let go of society's expectations of us and our behavior and we can just go ahead and do whatever makes us happy. And sometimes that's the secret to creating community - not caring what others think and just doing what makes you happy. Like your dad liking poetry and asking strangers if they wanted to read some with him. (Which sounds a lot like my dad, btw) ;)
Wow. These are great questions. I think you are getting at issues of confidence in self. There is definitely some fear there. Fear of rejection but more in the form of embarrassment. I do wish I could create community the way my parents did. I do know that poem When I am an Old Woman. It’s an invitation to let go in a way. I want to end this post by saying I can do it but I am not sure yet. I will let you know. Thank you. I am letting this sit and swirl around in me.
I’m a student and have moved to various different houses with difference friends almost every year for the past 10 years. The only neighbor that I have ever gotten to know throughout those 10 years became one of my closest friends. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I always thought to myself, what are the chances. Otherwise, I’ve never known a neighbor in my adult life.
It's wonderful that you've become close with your one neighbor and, it seems, have stayed friends even as you continue to move. So, how did that happen? how did that friendship begin?
As for not knowing other neighbors, has that been a personal choice or would you prefer to know more?
The dogs were in CA. I think the kids called them Auntie and Uncle also.
Samoan actually. When I asked her if I could marry her daughter her mom said “when you marry the daughter you marry the family”. I said I’ve been calling you mom for years.
We probably wouldn’t use Aunti and Uncle if we were both from the mainland and lived there. In Hawaii all elders are Aunti and Uncle or Tutu.
Aww, I like that in CA you had such great neighbors who loved your dog!
And I like your mother-in-law's comment. We need extended families. We need to create our own families, of course, but it is so good to be part of larger families.
Elders used to be revered in every culture. We've lost that in modern America, and it is a great loss indeed.
Born as a third generation American of German Lutheran background, I experienced growing up with two different givens defining neighborhoods. Until grade five I viewed corn fields to south and east. To north and west a few homes of paternal relatives, cutting edge of urban chicagoans retiring to rural pre-suburbia. I was enrolled in the village Lutheran school. All my friends were from that group, averaging one friend every two blocks. We gathered, played baseball, occasionally interacted with other kids, but not too much. Grade five I finished at a Lutheran school in New Mexico. Same M.O.
Friends were limited to schoolmates. Neighborhood for my family meant our congregation. All socials
Reflected the church-year. In that world family life was defined as home, church and school. That world still exists. I prefer the revision that suggests gifting the new next-door folks with some fresh baked cookies and a smile. Home is really a movable feast, or perhaps just a movable feat.
Nat, your response highlights how our understanding and experience of neighbors has changed with time. I think this kind of insular experience is no longer the norm, which has produced a great deal of anxiety in those who wish to maintain homogeneous areas, devoid of diversity.
I absolutely adore your last sentence: "Home is really a movable feast, or perhaps just a moveable feat." Indeed. Home takes effort. And the simplest of such efforts begins with a smile or the wave of a hand.
Thank you for responding!
Oh, yeah. Insular experience torpedoed by iPhone. DEO GRACIAS. however, I have never owned one. Wonder why……
Homogeneous groups seek to express American CULTURE. What does that mean? Guess I should goooo_gul it.
As a child in the 60's, I would go out to play in the morning and come home during the day only for lunch and dinner; I had to be home for good by the time it got dark. I had several friends within a block of where I lived and we played all day together. Our next door neighbor was a nice older couple and I used to go over there daily as they would have cookies for me; she also made the best home tortillas that I would snack on. They had animals that I could play with and I can also remember sitting and watching TV. In my early teen years, I would go over there and use their telephone to call my boyfriend, that my parents wouldn't let me call. I have such great childhood memories of neighbors and friends and I drive through neighborhoods today, and I don't see any kids outside playing and I feel so sad for those kids. I know it's not considered safe anymore to let your kids play outside without supervision in a lot of communities, and I also know that a lot of kids are behind screens and don't want to play outside, but it is still sad. As an adult, I haven't had much good luck with neighbors. :(
oh Gayla, your memories bring up so many important things! The older neighbors who had cookies and tortillas for you and allowed you to call your boyfriend from their phone... Research shows that kids need a minimum of 5 adults outside of their parents that they trust and with whom they have regular interaction, a personal relationship. These relationships are integral in our development and growth. As the saying goes... it takes a village. These days, there are multiple factors that make it difficult for these relationships to occur, all to the detriment of our society. :( I'm so glad you had this. Nurturing with food as well as nurturing your young love are equally important!
And, the playing outside - I've heard so many stories similar to yours, no matter where they grew up (I'm curious about this detail for you - did you grow up in a city, small town, suburb?) Playing outside, away from our parents, is also integral in our development and growth. Studies show kids who do not have similar experiences, meaning children who are always being supervised by adults, do not acquire problem-solving skills and lack in creativity. Our parental desire to keep our children safe can lead to deficits as adults - we need to give kids space to be kids. That kind of playing outside also produces place attachment - a positive connection to the environment in which they played and this, then, becomes a positive resource for us as adults. This same kind of environment is most often where we continue to feel most at home.
Thank you so much for responding! One more question: do you still today live in an environment that is similar to the one you grew up (and played) in? Meaning, while I understand your current neighbors are nothing like those from your childhood, do you still live in the same kind of town/city/ neighborhood as you did when you were young? If not, is that something you miss?
Jan, I agree with so many of your points above. I don't think kids know how to be kids and I don't think most are prepared for adulthood. In the current area I live in, while there is not a lot of wealth, the demographics are such that people can afford to buy most anything they want. I see so many parents raising entitled kids and then they wonder what happened when they turn out to be crappy adults.
I lived outside of a city of about 60k, about an hour east of Los Angeles. We actually lived in the "county" and the only difference was we didn't have the normal city rules/regs. The houses were on 1/2 acre lots, you could have livestock and farm animals, and there were none of the normal "city" restrictions on upkeep or anything else. My parents moved away from there when I was sixteen to a podunk country town in Texas and I thought my life was over. In many ways it was as I left everything that was important to me, namely friends. I was so different from the rest of my new classmates that I had a hard time making friends and I think that has carried on throughout my entire life. I'm an introvert and I prefer a few people at most, to a party or a bunch of people, even if those people are relatives.
I left Texas when I divorced and moved back to California to be close to family for support and I had a 7 year old daughter at that time. I was able to afford to buy a "mobile home" and my daughter also grew up in a similar circumstance as I did. It felt safe to let her run around in the MH park and visit friends, but I pretty much kept to myself. Her kids are not allowed to just be a kid and play outside because of the times we live in, so they have become addicted to screens and laziness is evident in everything they do, or don't do. But, that's a conversation for another day.
I divorced and moved back to Texas 12 years ago so I could be close to her and the grandkids and I've lived in the same apartment since I moved here. It's a gated complex and there are kids playing on the playground behind me without parents around, so I guess the parents feel safe letting their kids run around and play outside. Apartment living is transient and I see my neighbors if we happen to pass on the way up or down the stairs. The management has "resident events" but I've never been to any as the majority of the residents are much younger than I am and again, I don't like doing things with lots of people.
I am a year from retirement and I can't wait until then. I don't know what my future holds after I retire, but I'd like to have more people in my life, just all at once. I don't know what the answer is to doing that, but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along.
I don't miss the neighborhood I grew up in, I miss the "time period" I grew up in. Things seemed much easier then and maybe that was because I was a child. There is so much strife in everyday life now. I guess I'm the typical "older" person that sees life as so easy "back then."
Thanks for indulging me in my memories and sorry this was so long.
Thank you so much FOR this long reply!!
Indeed, your life DID end at 16 when your family moved to Texas. Your life at that point would never be the same. What you refer to as the "time period" of your youth does actually still exist in many places, even here in the U.S. While you may not particularly miss the neighborhood of your childhood, several things you say indicate that you miss the FEELING of your childhood growing up in that environment. And that is really legitimate. You felt safe then. You had freedom - without so many restrictions (be they city laws or just the ability to run around). Your current environment, in a gated community, doesn't provide this for you, despite resident events and children running around.
It's really good that you're thinking about all this now, with your retirement on the horizon. I'd love to talk to you about this, if you're interested in sharing more and searching for clues that will help in deciding what's next. Write to me at FindingHome@substack.com and let's get on the phone. That would be fun!
Once I came home from work and I could not find one of our dogs. I finally called my neighbors and they said she was in their living room watching TV and they would send her home when the movie was over. (yes, my dog).
Another time our dog stole another neighbors dogs rawhide bone. I thought my roommate gave it to him so I cut it in half because we had two dogs. Later the neighbors called and asked if Duke happen to have a rawhide bone. I had to fess up. They had given the bone to their dog to keep him busy while they were out for dinner. I told them that we'd take their dog for the night so he wasn't lonely. Later I made Duke carry a bone back to their dog.
In our current home our kids call our neighbors Auntie and Uncle which is kind of a cultural thing in Hawaii.
I LOVE the stories about your dog! Of course it says good things about your neighbors but it also says a lot about your dog. 😆🧡
You married a Hawaiian, yes? Do you think that makes a difference in relationship with neighbors? Meaning, would the relationship be different if both you and your wife were from the mainland?
Are the ones your kids call Auntie and Uncle the ones in the dog stories? Or is that indicative of your relationship with all your neighbors?
I have been lucky my whole life to have wonderful neighbors, whether for a decade in a mixed-income apartment building with 39 other families (seniors, New Americans, single-parent households, couples, everyone!), living during the pandemic amongst a small group of us in a quiet rural loop and trying to figure out how "friendly" we could be (see my post called "Rocky Drive" to read all about it!), or growing up on a busy street with a quieter neighborhood (and kids) behind.
Now, in our new home, I think we've hit the jackpot. Our next-door neighbors are so kind that our daughter begs for us to let her bring them flowers every night (buttercups and dandelions from the yard, which they ever-so-kindly accept with gusto). There are plenty of kids we are going to meet. I am so looking forward to spending many years surrounded by wonderful people.
Wow! I'm impressed that in an apartment building you were able to build such a community. (and yes, I will read your post Rocky Drive!) But I'm sure that this is also in part because YOU know how to be a good neighbor. Which is essential.
I am so excited for your new home! I LOVE that your daughter brings flowers to your neighbors - how incredibly sweet! yes, indeed, this sounds like it will be cozy, homey, and everything one can hope for. Congrats!
Jan,
I grew up in a typical middle America hometown. We had wonderful neighbors all around with lots of kids and lots of moms and dads who watched out for all of us. We know everyone!
After college I moved back to that hometown to work for the city. Again, it was a wonderful experience in a small town.
At age 30 I moved to Tulsa to begin a new career. I mostly lived downtown for over 20 years and spent my time in apartments. I never knew any of my neighbors then. I bought a house in one of Tulsa’s historic neighborhoods and enjoyed knowing a few of my neighbors.
Three years ago my wife and I moved to a 55+ neighborhood. We absolutely love it. We know so many of our neighbors! As a matter of fact, we can drive throughout the entire development and name the family in each house. We gather with many of them to do various activities. The activities range from swimming, Pickleball,
going out to lunch or dinner together, or happy hour. We do a lot of other things with our neighbors including short trips and going to movies.
Since we are all over age 55 and are all empty-nesters, we have a lot in common.
I wouldn’t change a single thing about this chapter of my life. It’s amazing to have these wonderful neighbors surrounding us each and every day.
Thank you for including me.
Thank you so much for responding, Jeri. I did wonder about your move. I knew building your home was thrilling but... you were so far south... would the folks in your development be too old, would they be accepting? Clearly this was the best decision you've ever made (well, in addition to marrying Cathy). What you describe is not something that can be fabricated - it has to happen organically. This makes me very happy. One day, I swear, I'm coming down to play Pickelball! love you.
I know some of my neighbors, casually. I should know their names, but my name memory isn't what it used to be. The neighborhood is great, a mix of old (me) and new. There is an older lady on one side who works her yard and plants tirelessly, but only waves. A mother and father and two teenagers on the other, I've known them before the kids were born. Across the street is a rental house where 3 or 4 lovely young single women live. They are all college graduates in their mid-twenties working their way into adulthood. Friendly. Next to them is a mid-thirties gal who inherited her father's oil business and seems to be doing well with it. We chat on the curb occasionally about her business or her horses. The other side is a new expensive house that a couple just moved into. We haven't met yet. I can't call all of them by name but, the neighborhood is diverse, fun, mid-town. We do know a few further away but fewer as distance increases. It was fun just to think of this. Thanks Jan.
oh Phil, I love this! Your description is cozy, easy, and - for lack of a better word - truly neighborly. The time you've been there enhances this. To know the parents pre-kids who are now teenagers. There is a comfort in this kind of consistency in this that is comforting. I wonder if this is easier to achieve with neighbors in houses than in apartments - and - or - if some of this is partial to Tulsa (tho certainly true in so many places, ah, but what's the common thread)? Thank you for sharing!!
Everywhere I lived in California, I knew my neighbors on both sides of the street for a block. They were all wonderful. That was before I saw the light and was still Republican. We all had a big neighbor party on the eve of the presidential election. They made an apple pie that said Clinton. I was voting against them. We all stayed up half the night watching the results. They won, I lost. So what. They were lovely.
When I moved to the same small town in Idaho as Jan, I lived for 20 years on a small deadend street lined with houses where none of my neighbors would have a thing to do with me. It was a culture shock. The myth of the friendly small town is bullshit. The only Idaho neighbor who made eye contact and talked to me was the one who drove home drunk as I was walking down the deadend street and jumped out and started screaming drunken profanity at me, spitting in my face. But that is Idaho.
Now I live in Charlotte, NC an urban area of 2.5 million people, and once again I know my neighbors up and down the block, 1 block away, 2 blocks away. They have cookie parties, pool parties, let's all go out to dinner and drink wine parties. My horse gets sick and I have medicine but no syringe. A flock of people show up with syringes in every size and shape. And I am having to relearn how to BE a neighbor. I am in bed at 10pm, I get a call to help catch an injured snapping turtle to go to a rehabber. I am exhausted but I say yes. I get dressed and head out in the rain and dark. The lady who graciously let me keep my injured horse in her barn before our barn was built a year prior texts everyone at 9pm that her barn and property is flooded. Can people help her walk her four horses to the higher community barn on the hill. Yes, I will do that. BE a neighbor. I forgot that trick, but I am relearning. The next day I find homemade oat horse cookies in my mail box. Opposite coast from California. Same people. Neighbors.
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing all of this. I LOVE hearing about your neighbors in Charlotte! It makes my heart happy to know such places still exist. And your story about the Clinton pie (circa 1996?) is priceless - different politics, still neighborly! As for Idaho, yes, that was a surprise for us both and I think there is something else at play there - but that's fodder for another conversation.
You are a good person and a good friend - I'm sure you're a good neighbor. (Not much to learn but definitely have to get accustomed to the gallop again!)
Wonderful article, Jan. We had very quiet, well-behaved neighbors growing up -- I lived next to a funeral home. Our real neighbors though, were a tight knit group of family friends and their children that all lived within a few blocks of one another. They were so close we called them Aunt and Uncle, and still do to this day. As I got older, married and had children, we've moved a few times, and neighbors always made a big difference. Neighbors make a difference in whether or not a house can be a home because our yards, gardens, decks, etc., can all be places of sanctuary, and without neighbors who understand that it can make for very difficult living.
I think you're so right and you say that so well: our homes ARE sanctuaries - safe, secure, and holy - and if we have neighbors who don't feel the same way or honor that, well, that can be extremely difficult. And if they deliberately do things that harm our sanctuary, it strikes at the heart of everything we hold dear.
I love that your childhood group of neighbor friends are still part of your larger family to this day. How wonderful!!
I live on a road in the Berkshires in western Massachusetts where the neighbors on either side of me are second homers. They both bought their houses recently and only surface in the late spring. People who only live here part-time are a different breed. They don't engage with the community. One of them recently had her lawyer call us because we were parking a few inches over the property line. It's dispiriting.
oh my! Dispiriting indeed. Where is the grace, the neighborliness in that? Perhaps a reflection of so much of America now: an inability to talk to each other. Have you ever met them face to face?
I have not. We had a good relationship with the previous owner but these people.....I don't know. I grew up in an apartment building in NYC so just the idea of a friendly next door neighbor is somewhat foreign but very appealing.
ah yes, NYC! ;) I think it's like that in a lot of cities, but NYC certainly has its own personality!
Neighbors are everything. We lived in NJ. 20 years ago on a block where every house (all built in 1920s) was 12 feet away from every other house. Sidewalks and porches. People from different backgrounds. When we first moved in, several new neighbors brought cookies to welcome us. But we didn’t really get to know each other for a couple years— and it was the kids who brought us together. Even the people who didn’t have kids or had grown kids did fun things with and for the kids and that was the excuse for the adults to get to know each other better, which led to dinners and block parties, and gatherings of all sorts. We lived there for 7 1/2 years.
Well, it’s been 20 years since then and I visited our old block last month. Called ahead to 2 neighbors and just walked up and knocked on the door of the third. It was amazing—like no time had passed…. except a big thing had happened: the kids were now grown up and gone. It seemed to make us more vulnerable with each other, because it was… just us. We went out for lunch. Talked about… where we were at, where we had been, about our uncertainty for our futures, a common theme. Three of us are now planning to get together in Vermont and Cape Cod.
.
More than anything, we all said we now know what we had was rare, and we took it for granted at the time. We now feel a tremendous sense of gratitude that we had each other, on that block that randomly brought us together, in that time….
Oh, this is wonderful! I see a lot of block parties in the Midwest. My brother has always had them wherever he lives. And yes, in large part, the children bring neighbors together. How wonderful to find that bond still there all these years later -and - the gift of it deepening into a deeper form of friendship now, without the children as a buffer.
Thank you for sharing this, Liz!