Kinkeepers

Recognizing those who keep us connected, who go the extra mile

Many years ago, decades now, someone thanked me for being so good at “friend maintenance.” What’s that? I asked. Oh, you know, he said, the calls and cards and regular check-ins that one does to keep a relationship alive and strong. It was an incredibly kind acknowledgement. I felt seen. I was grateful to know that my efforts were recognized.

And that was a long time ago. Somewhere along the way, in the last decade I think, my efforts waned. I became tired. Or, at the very least, overwhelmed with my own life, a single life, absorbed by my own needs and the weight of being my own caretaker in every way. And too, if I’m honest, a bit bruised.  My intentions not valued and even, by some, ignored.

I regret this, most especially for the friends who are so good to me. The ones who do stay in touch, who check-in, remember, care, and even (if geographically close) offer food and assistance when I am not well. I am embarrassed that I do not always return their depth of kindness.

So today, I want to acknowledge all the Kinkeepers out there. Because kinkeeping takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of love.

A kinkeeper is someone who cultivates a sense of “family solidarity or connectedness,” said Carolyn Rosenthal, a professor emeritus of sociology at McMaster University in Canada who researched kinkeeping in the 1980s. It’s someone who, in many ways, is the family glue.   – Danielle Friedman, New York Times, “The Constant Work to Keep a Family Connected Has a Name”

My sister-in-law is a kinkeeper, the oldest of five remaining siblings and a very special aunt. Soft-spoken, kind, and solid as a rock. Incredibly generous and always reliable.

My sister-in-law creating Memorial Day bouquets for family graves.

I also can’t help thinking about the kinkeepers of alternative families, our chosen families. The ones who make sure we stay connected, who orchestrate gatherings, the peace-makers, and cheerleaders.

Kinkeepers don’t have their own special holiday.

So any day, really, is a good day to acknowledge them and say thanks.

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Who are the kinkeepers in your life? Are you are kinkeeper?