Many years ago, decades now, someone thanked me for being so good at “friend maintenance.” What’s that? I asked. Oh, you know, he said, the calls and cards and regular check-ins that one does to keep a relationship alive and strong. It was an incredibly kind acknowledgement. I felt seen. I was grateful to know that my efforts were recognized.
And that was a long time ago. Somewhere along the way, in the last decade I think, my efforts waned. I became tired. Or, at the very least, overwhelmed with my own life, a single life, absorbed by my own needs and the weight of being my own caretaker in every way. And too, if I’m honest, a bit bruised. My intentions not valued and even, by some, ignored.
I regret this, most especially for the friends who are so good to me. The ones who do stay in touch, who check-in, remember, care, and even (if geographically close) offer food and assistance when I am not well. I am embarrassed that I do not always return their depth of kindness.
So today, I want to acknowledge all the Kinkeepers out there. Because kinkeeping takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of love.
A kinkeeper is someone who cultivates a sense of “family solidarity or connectedness,” said Carolyn Rosenthal, a professor emeritus of sociology at McMaster University in Canada who researched kinkeeping in the 1980s. It’s someone who, in many ways, is the family glue. – Danielle Friedman, New York Times, “The Constant Work to Keep a Family Connected Has a Name”
My sister-in-law is a kinkeeper, the oldest of five remaining siblings and a very special aunt. Soft-spoken, kind, and solid as a rock. Incredibly generous and always reliable.
I also can’t help thinking about the kinkeepers of alternative families, our chosen families. The ones who make sure we stay connected, who orchestrate gatherings, the peace-makers, and cheerleaders.
Kinkeepers don’t have their own special holiday.
So any day, really, is a good day to acknowledge them and say thanks.
Who are the kinkeepers in your life? Are you are kinkeeper?
Great column, Jan. Ties together a lot of threads!
Kin-keeping used to be a shared joy/task? As you pointed out, Jan, it is now something we have to VALUE (somehow!), consciously work on, co-create in a shared way.
David Brooks was one of the first really (White) mainstream people I saw to question nuclear family model. He mentions that kinship groups were traditionally 70 or so people. Now we have to do tremendous emotional lifting to recreate even a fraction of these groups—it takes 200 hours of time spent together to make a new friend. Or--if we are wealthy enough-- we pay for the physical/societal care and support (health, education, etc) that kinship used to provide, which is transactional and lacks the same emotional dynamics?
"David Brooks: The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake"
https://youtu.be/sd9d5z7idyQ?feature=shared
How do we get back to the kinship group norm, when capitalism doesn't support it?
SAY IT LOUDER!!