It is indeed. And yes, scary moments. As women, as girls, with co-workers, friends, partners, and strangers. There are few women who have not experienced something along these lines. And, I think, we often don't share our stories b/c, of course, there are always stories worse than our own. Who are we to complain? We shoulder it, buck up, and go on. We need to share more, support each other, and elect only those who support our sovereignty over our bodies.
1 in 3 women are penetrated against their will. Men are pisssed off they cannot control us and we want something better than the lives they want us to live. Men need to work on themselves. They need to evolve. Religion needs to stop teaching women to submit to men and male authority and we are here to serve them and for their needs. Patriarchy.. Men controlling the world needs to cease to exist! It's evil and archaic.
Indeed. In the meantime, we women need to share our stories and we need to elect only those who support our sovereignty over our own bodies and will enforce harsher penalties for those who harm us. All of society needs to change. And we must lead this change.
PS…when will you be traveling back to Italy? I hope to go visit cousins in the Basque Country in Sept/Oct and then hop around via Eurail to visit family/friends in various parts of Europe betw/ Oct & January. Italy may be on the adventure route too, so let me know if you are over there then!
How Fabulous!!! What a fantastic trip! It would be amazing if you made it down to Sicily! At the moment, I'm not sure when I'll be back. Hoping this fall but it could be as late as Christmas... Tom and I are getting married in 2 weeks. Shhhhhh!! :) So that's taking up some of our vacation time. Still, the goal is this fall/ early winter. Stay in touch! If you don't still have my phone #, send me an email. And get on WhatsApp. It would be wonderful to see you !!
Thank you Jan! We always think that violence happens to other people but it may not affect us directly. Thanks for being brave and reaching deep into your inner female to free yourself. It’s time for Women to rule this planet!
yes, when I was divorcing my second husband, after he tried to hurt me, the officer was called by my father to our house, and told me I could leave--he did not ask my husband to leave who was being very mouthy to the officer. I moved out the next am. He continued to harass me at my father's house, sitting outside in his car, calling me, going to the door repeatedly and ringing the bell. He went to my work. He sent letters to my work. When I went to a lawyer, she said he writes letters like the Unabomber. He sent me cartoons with his own captions covering their captions. I was afraid to get a restraining order. He eventually left me alone and remarried........a lawyer......go figure. When I told his daughter to be careful who she was attracted to, she did not email me anymore. He kept my clothing, my family's xmas ornaments, a painting an old boyfriend drew me of my birds, and all my hs and college yearbooks. Still, I'm glad to be done with someone who thought he owned me.
Oh my goodness, Loretta - damn! I admire your courage and determination. It's crazy how easily we can fall into such a relationship, be fooled by the guy and then want to protect him - or - fear something worse (a legitimate fear) and consequently don't leave. You left with the most valuable things, mostly yourself! I'm glad your dad was there for you. Thank you for responding. It helps us all, I think, to know we're not alone.
Omg…huge congratulations to you both❣️What an amazing life adventure for you both on multiple levels❣️I think we’ve both sent txt msgs to each other in the past couple of years. If that is still your txt msg, send me a txt confirmation? I also have WhatsApp!
I am so worried about Veronica. I am so worried about the state of this country and the people who make the terrible decisions that can mean life and death for women, people of color, and every other marginalized group. It is 2023. I should not have to be worried about these things, but here we are.
I was in a psychologically abusive relationship for 2.5 years, but because it was never physically violent I did not know I was being brainwashed and abused. It took years of doing my own research as well as counseling to understand that that’s what it had been. When I wrote about and shared my story, I was floored by how many others (mostly women but a few men) had similar experiences. It is rampant and it is SO important to recognize the signs because if it hasn’t happened to you, you might not be able to see it until you’re in deep.
Those scars never leave you, but I’m proud of the decisions I made and that you made. They can be profoundly difficult. Thank you for sharing, and please keep us updated about Veronica if you can.
Thank you for responding, Ashleigh. Unfortunately, I don't know Veronica and I have no way of staying in touch with her. Which is probably in part why I broke down in tears when I got to my car, as did the young woman who had called the ambulance - I saw it when I looked up from my car. We were both clearly in the same emotional space.
We need to share our stories and be advocates and allies for each other. Thank you for sharing yours.
I read your column, and the comments on here and I just shake my head. First, because I cant believe men can treat other human beings like property. Second, because its just so common, yet like racism, it seems people just want to pretend it doesnt exist.
Keep speaking up. I cant imagine how hard it is to do so. But its only going to change for the better if its not swept under the public conscious.
I am not going to apologize for men, any more than I am going to apologize for white people being racist. But I am going to give you my thoughts, my strength, and my sense of fairness and justice.
Part of the problem, I believe, is that our language is all wrong. The emphasis needs to be on the men. Instead of teaching girls to ...(the list is long), let's teach boys not to rape, not to catcall, to respect women, etc. Let's start recording and talking about how many men rape, abuse, and more. Of course, this would mean we have to call out men in high places. Starting with Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh. How many men have created an act of violence against a woman? Is that 1 in 3? Less? More? Likely less. We need more allies like you that are willing to call out other men for their behavior. Damn, we have a long way to go. Of course, we thought we were making strides and then... 4 years of DT followed by SCOTUS overturning Roe v Wade.
I have said many times that we need far more women then men in leadership positions. Maybe its just because I have been around men behind the scenes more, where they feel free to talk. Just like being around racists who think because you are white you have the same ignorance they have, so they blurt out their stupidity.
But men spend way too much time thinking with their little head and way too little time thinking beyond themselves. And I am admittedly biased, but I think women just have a better sense of putting other people ahead of themselves. Maybe its just maternal instincts. Or maybe I am just an idiot. :)
Your words are refreshing to hear from a man. And yes, women DO have a better sense of putting others ahead of themselves. This is also how we end up in and stay in bad relationships. I cared about hurting Johnson's reputation. Hah! Of course, when we DON'T put others first, we are called selfish. A man is never called selfish for pursuing a career or doing what he likes but a woman is. A woman always is. It is absolutely expected that women put others first. :/
The abuse of women is widespread but particularly high in Oklahoma. Recently we have been ranked as high as third in the nation for the domestic abuse of women. Our culture and the blaming of women for the abuse must be changed! Thank you for sharing your story.
oh wow, I did not know that. I know that Oklahoma has the highest rate of female incarcerations. Combined with one of the highest rates of domestic abuse, it's fair to say Oklahoma not only does not value its women, it is downright hostile to women. This is insane!!! Are religious women here in the buckle of the Bible belt so brainwashed that they don't see it? We all need to raise our voices and share our stories. Thank you for responding, Missy. And thank you for the work you do helping women.
As a breed, in my experience, they are usually sweet and loving dogs, unless they have been raised to be fighters.
Unfortunately, the reputation of the entire breed may be tainted by the example of those few, and most folks will proceed with caution when encountering any unknown pit bull.
A good idea in the interest of self-preservation.
I hope you see where I’m going with this.
Most men I know are caring and respectful.
It saddens me that those abusers among us make women overly cautious with our entire gender.
And it saddens me that I can’t tell you to trust us as a breed.
Thank you for responding, Mark. I agree with you on all counts. As I noted in another comment above, we need to change the way we talk about this. We measure how many women are affected but not how many men abuse. The latter would be a good measurement to have. We speak of and measure single mothers instead of absentee fathers. Our culture is still a patriarchy and, as such, doesn't want to make men the focus of the problem. Yet indeed, that is where the problem lies. And it behooves us all to call out those men who are (for lack of a better description) making it bad for all the rest. If we had statistics that show only 1 in 5 men perpetrate violence against women or 1 in 12 fathers are absent, or whatever the numbers reveal, I think it would help us all on many levels. But currently we don't even want to admit that slavery existed or how many good people once owned slaves, so we're certainly not going to start measuring men anytime soon.
Meanwhile, due to some awful and sensationalized encounters, pitbulls are demonized. And due to far too men not being held accountable and too many women silenced and shamed, well, the abuse and violence continues. We only need to look at the Supreme Court to see how this is addressed in modern society. (Clarence Thomas, Brett kavanagh, Roe v Wade)
Sorry to be a few days late commenting, Jan, but I just wanted to say, well done. You were brave in your disclosure, and connected it to what is happening now, beautifully. I'm sorry for your experience and for your neighbors. I'm so glad there were folks in the community willing to help. I have a friend trying to leave an abusive marriage with her son right now and she has gotten very little support from the courts or law enforcement, which is horrible and wrong, to put it mildly.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That makes me so frustrated even to hear of it. Is there any advocacy group in the area, perhaps a nonprofit, that can assist her? These organizations are life-savers. Literally. I truly hope she can get support somewhere b/c what she's going through is - without exaggeration - a life and death situation.
She is actually in an emergency shelter now, and is finally getting the assistance and shielding she needs, but she couldn't get a judge to agree to a protection order or emergency custody, despite having called the police on him hitting their son and CPS being involved. The best she could get was a no contact order, and she has to allow him to see their son via Zoom. We'll see once they go to court. But by then he may have filed for divorce, and if he does then she loses her representation, because her current lawyer is pro bono and only for the DV stuff. It's a messy situation, compounded by the fact that he has money and they're in the town and county that he grew up in and is very well-connected to the systems of power.
oh my heavens. that is awful awful awful. and dammit this is all too common!! Men have the power, the money, and the connections. This is infuriating. We desperately need to elect more women who can change these laws. More women on benches. HUGELY upsetting that even with CPS involved, she can't get a protection order - that's insane! And this is how this continues to happen. We become so beaten down by the system which is largely working against us. I have no words. My heart and prayers go out to your friend.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I lived through something similar with Emily. She had a boyfriend that was no good, couldn't and wouldn't keep a job, tried to go to Madison Techincal College to become something in the automotive industry and gave up because it was too hard. He didn't finish high school, so I paid for him to get his GED which he actually got. I let him live in my house so I could keep an eye on Emily and then when they had a fight one night and he pushed her up against the wall of the house, we had had enough and called the police. We got a restraining order and got her interested in someone else. It was a miracle that nothing horrible happened. I thank God every day for that. She has never told me all that she had gone through, but what she told me, he should go to hell. Something has to been done and restraining orders are not the only answer.
Oh Mary, I am so sorry to hear Emily went through this. I had no idea. And that's the thing: we don't share this stuff b/c ...?... I suspect it's a sense of shame, embarrassment. And that's ridiculous. The one who should be shamed and embarrassed is the abuser.
God bless you for helping him get his GED. And for stepping in as soon as you saw it get violent. Yeah, one of the problems with restraining orders is that they can sometimes be hard to get and definitely hard to enforce. Filling out the paper work is no easy task and if there aren't folks in the office/precinct who are supportive, well, that just adds to the shame. Laws need to change. So do our values. We need to start valuing women and demanding more (better) from men.
I am sorry you went through this and it stays with you. Violence is one extreme, but there are many others—being called names, bullied in workplaces and professional environments, being judged based on appearance, or constantly facing criticism because we are an easy target. I can't bring myself to write about some things I went through in the legal situation/construction. It was brave of you to write this when memories can bring up painful emotions.
I can only imagine, or honestly maybe I can’t, what you went through. Your determination is more than admirable. On behalf of all women, please know that while it wasn’t the outcome you deserved, I do believe you helped the greater cause. Bit by bit we can only hope to chip away at the violence, prejudice, and ignorance. At the same time, we must acknowledge the toll it takes on us. Layers upon layers of abuse.
Thank you for your incredibly kind words. It means more than I can express to know that others see and acknowledge the weight of it all. Everyone's story is unique and challenging in its own way. I always have to remind myself that there are people who are suffering much more. Physical or emotional abuse, poverty and sickness are much more traumatic. I am thankful for what I have.
The fight we have is never easy, but I know as women we stand together in this.
I’m so sorry to hear of these experiences. Sadly I’ve had some scary moments, as have virtually every woman I know. Women as chattel is still a thing!
It is indeed. And yes, scary moments. As women, as girls, with co-workers, friends, partners, and strangers. There are few women who have not experienced something along these lines. And, I think, we often don't share our stories b/c, of course, there are always stories worse than our own. Who are we to complain? We shoulder it, buck up, and go on. We need to share more, support each other, and elect only those who support our sovereignty over our bodies.
1 in 3 women are penetrated against their will. Men are pisssed off they cannot control us and we want something better than the lives they want us to live. Men need to work on themselves. They need to evolve. Religion needs to stop teaching women to submit to men and male authority and we are here to serve them and for their needs. Patriarchy.. Men controlling the world needs to cease to exist! It's evil and archaic.
Indeed. In the meantime, we women need to share our stories and we need to elect only those who support our sovereignty over our own bodies and will enforce harsher penalties for those who harm us. All of society needs to change. And we must lead this change.
PS…when will you be traveling back to Italy? I hope to go visit cousins in the Basque Country in Sept/Oct and then hop around via Eurail to visit family/friends in various parts of Europe betw/ Oct & January. Italy may be on the adventure route too, so let me know if you are over there then!
How Fabulous!!! What a fantastic trip! It would be amazing if you made it down to Sicily! At the moment, I'm not sure when I'll be back. Hoping this fall but it could be as late as Christmas... Tom and I are getting married in 2 weeks. Shhhhhh!! :) So that's taking up some of our vacation time. Still, the goal is this fall/ early winter. Stay in touch! If you don't still have my phone #, send me an email. And get on WhatsApp. It would be wonderful to see you !!
Thank you Jan! We always think that violence happens to other people but it may not affect us directly. Thanks for being brave and reaching deep into your inner female to free yourself. It’s time for Women to rule this planet!
Thank you, Jeff.
yes, when I was divorcing my second husband, after he tried to hurt me, the officer was called by my father to our house, and told me I could leave--he did not ask my husband to leave who was being very mouthy to the officer. I moved out the next am. He continued to harass me at my father's house, sitting outside in his car, calling me, going to the door repeatedly and ringing the bell. He went to my work. He sent letters to my work. When I went to a lawyer, she said he writes letters like the Unabomber. He sent me cartoons with his own captions covering their captions. I was afraid to get a restraining order. He eventually left me alone and remarried........a lawyer......go figure. When I told his daughter to be careful who she was attracted to, she did not email me anymore. He kept my clothing, my family's xmas ornaments, a painting an old boyfriend drew me of my birds, and all my hs and college yearbooks. Still, I'm glad to be done with someone who thought he owned me.
Oh my goodness, Loretta - damn! I admire your courage and determination. It's crazy how easily we can fall into such a relationship, be fooled by the guy and then want to protect him - or - fear something worse (a legitimate fear) and consequently don't leave. You left with the most valuable things, mostly yourself! I'm glad your dad was there for you. Thank you for responding. It helps us all, I think, to know we're not alone.
Omg…huge congratulations to you both❣️What an amazing life adventure for you both on multiple levels❣️I think we’ve both sent txt msgs to each other in the past couple of years. If that is still your txt msg, send me a txt confirmation? I also have WhatsApp!
rats - I don't have your # in my phone. Mine hasn't changed in 18 years so if you have it, text me on either app.
I am so worried about Veronica. I am so worried about the state of this country and the people who make the terrible decisions that can mean life and death for women, people of color, and every other marginalized group. It is 2023. I should not have to be worried about these things, but here we are.
I was in a psychologically abusive relationship for 2.5 years, but because it was never physically violent I did not know I was being brainwashed and abused. It took years of doing my own research as well as counseling to understand that that’s what it had been. When I wrote about and shared my story, I was floored by how many others (mostly women but a few men) had similar experiences. It is rampant and it is SO important to recognize the signs because if it hasn’t happened to you, you might not be able to see it until you’re in deep.
Those scars never leave you, but I’m proud of the decisions I made and that you made. They can be profoundly difficult. Thank you for sharing, and please keep us updated about Veronica if you can.
Thank you for responding, Ashleigh. Unfortunately, I don't know Veronica and I have no way of staying in touch with her. Which is probably in part why I broke down in tears when I got to my car, as did the young woman who had called the ambulance - I saw it when I looked up from my car. We were both clearly in the same emotional space.
We need to share our stories and be advocates and allies for each other. Thank you for sharing yours.
I read your column, and the comments on here and I just shake my head. First, because I cant believe men can treat other human beings like property. Second, because its just so common, yet like racism, it seems people just want to pretend it doesnt exist.
Keep speaking up. I cant imagine how hard it is to do so. But its only going to change for the better if its not swept under the public conscious.
I am not going to apologize for men, any more than I am going to apologize for white people being racist. But I am going to give you my thoughts, my strength, and my sense of fairness and justice.
Thank you, Kent. I appreciate all of this.
Part of the problem, I believe, is that our language is all wrong. The emphasis needs to be on the men. Instead of teaching girls to ...(the list is long), let's teach boys not to rape, not to catcall, to respect women, etc. Let's start recording and talking about how many men rape, abuse, and more. Of course, this would mean we have to call out men in high places. Starting with Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh. How many men have created an act of violence against a woman? Is that 1 in 3? Less? More? Likely less. We need more allies like you that are willing to call out other men for their behavior. Damn, we have a long way to go. Of course, we thought we were making strides and then... 4 years of DT followed by SCOTUS overturning Roe v Wade.
Thanks for responding here. Your words help.
I have said many times that we need far more women then men in leadership positions. Maybe its just because I have been around men behind the scenes more, where they feel free to talk. Just like being around racists who think because you are white you have the same ignorance they have, so they blurt out their stupidity.
But men spend way too much time thinking with their little head and way too little time thinking beyond themselves. And I am admittedly biased, but I think women just have a better sense of putting other people ahead of themselves. Maybe its just maternal instincts. Or maybe I am just an idiot. :)
Your words are refreshing to hear from a man. And yes, women DO have a better sense of putting others ahead of themselves. This is also how we end up in and stay in bad relationships. I cared about hurting Johnson's reputation. Hah! Of course, when we DON'T put others first, we are called selfish. A man is never called selfish for pursuing a career or doing what he likes but a woman is. A woman always is. It is absolutely expected that women put others first. :/
The abuse of women is widespread but particularly high in Oklahoma. Recently we have been ranked as high as third in the nation for the domestic abuse of women. Our culture and the blaming of women for the abuse must be changed! Thank you for sharing your story.
oh wow, I did not know that. I know that Oklahoma has the highest rate of female incarcerations. Combined with one of the highest rates of domestic abuse, it's fair to say Oklahoma not only does not value its women, it is downright hostile to women. This is insane!!! Are religious women here in the buckle of the Bible belt so brainwashed that they don't see it? We all need to raise our voices and share our stories. Thank you for responding, Missy. And thank you for the work you do helping women.
I’ll start with pit bulls.
As a breed, in my experience, they are usually sweet and loving dogs, unless they have been raised to be fighters.
Unfortunately, the reputation of the entire breed may be tainted by the example of those few, and most folks will proceed with caution when encountering any unknown pit bull.
A good idea in the interest of self-preservation.
I hope you see where I’m going with this.
Most men I know are caring and respectful.
It saddens me that those abusers among us make women overly cautious with our entire gender.
And it saddens me that I can’t tell you to trust us as a breed.
Thank you for responding, Mark. I agree with you on all counts. As I noted in another comment above, we need to change the way we talk about this. We measure how many women are affected but not how many men abuse. The latter would be a good measurement to have. We speak of and measure single mothers instead of absentee fathers. Our culture is still a patriarchy and, as such, doesn't want to make men the focus of the problem. Yet indeed, that is where the problem lies. And it behooves us all to call out those men who are (for lack of a better description) making it bad for all the rest. If we had statistics that show only 1 in 5 men perpetrate violence against women or 1 in 12 fathers are absent, or whatever the numbers reveal, I think it would help us all on many levels. But currently we don't even want to admit that slavery existed or how many good people once owned slaves, so we're certainly not going to start measuring men anytime soon.
Meanwhile, due to some awful and sensationalized encounters, pitbulls are demonized. And due to far too men not being held accountable and too many women silenced and shamed, well, the abuse and violence continues. We only need to look at the Supreme Court to see how this is addressed in modern society. (Clarence Thomas, Brett kavanagh, Roe v Wade)
Sorry to be a few days late commenting, Jan, but I just wanted to say, well done. You were brave in your disclosure, and connected it to what is happening now, beautifully. I'm sorry for your experience and for your neighbors. I'm so glad there were folks in the community willing to help. I have a friend trying to leave an abusive marriage with her son right now and she has gotten very little support from the courts or law enforcement, which is horrible and wrong, to put it mildly.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That makes me so frustrated even to hear of it. Is there any advocacy group in the area, perhaps a nonprofit, that can assist her? These organizations are life-savers. Literally. I truly hope she can get support somewhere b/c what she's going through is - without exaggeration - a life and death situation.
She is actually in an emergency shelter now, and is finally getting the assistance and shielding she needs, but she couldn't get a judge to agree to a protection order or emergency custody, despite having called the police on him hitting their son and CPS being involved. The best she could get was a no contact order, and she has to allow him to see their son via Zoom. We'll see once they go to court. But by then he may have filed for divorce, and if he does then she loses her representation, because her current lawyer is pro bono and only for the DV stuff. It's a messy situation, compounded by the fact that he has money and they're in the town and county that he grew up in and is very well-connected to the systems of power.
oh my heavens. that is awful awful awful. and dammit this is all too common!! Men have the power, the money, and the connections. This is infuriating. We desperately need to elect more women who can change these laws. More women on benches. HUGELY upsetting that even with CPS involved, she can't get a protection order - that's insane! And this is how this continues to happen. We become so beaten down by the system which is largely working against us. I have no words. My heart and prayers go out to your friend.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I lived through something similar with Emily. She had a boyfriend that was no good, couldn't and wouldn't keep a job, tried to go to Madison Techincal College to become something in the automotive industry and gave up because it was too hard. He didn't finish high school, so I paid for him to get his GED which he actually got. I let him live in my house so I could keep an eye on Emily and then when they had a fight one night and he pushed her up against the wall of the house, we had had enough and called the police. We got a restraining order and got her interested in someone else. It was a miracle that nothing horrible happened. I thank God every day for that. She has never told me all that she had gone through, but what she told me, he should go to hell. Something has to been done and restraining orders are not the only answer.
Oh Mary, I am so sorry to hear Emily went through this. I had no idea. And that's the thing: we don't share this stuff b/c ...?... I suspect it's a sense of shame, embarrassment. And that's ridiculous. The one who should be shamed and embarrassed is the abuser.
God bless you for helping him get his GED. And for stepping in as soon as you saw it get violent. Yeah, one of the problems with restraining orders is that they can sometimes be hard to get and definitely hard to enforce. Filling out the paper work is no easy task and if there aren't folks in the office/precinct who are supportive, well, that just adds to the shame. Laws need to change. So do our values. We need to start valuing women and demanding more (better) from men.
So many stories...thank you for sharing yours. Hugs.
Thanks for reading Peggy. Hugs back!
❤️
I am sorry you went through this and it stays with you. Violence is one extreme, but there are many others—being called names, bullied in workplaces and professional environments, being judged based on appearance, or constantly facing criticism because we are an easy target. I can't bring myself to write about some things I went through in the legal situation/construction. It was brave of you to write this when memories can bring up painful emotions.
I can only imagine, or honestly maybe I can’t, what you went through. Your determination is more than admirable. On behalf of all women, please know that while it wasn’t the outcome you deserved, I do believe you helped the greater cause. Bit by bit we can only hope to chip away at the violence, prejudice, and ignorance. At the same time, we must acknowledge the toll it takes on us. Layers upon layers of abuse.
Thank the goddess we are strong ! 💪❤️
Thank you for your incredibly kind words. It means more than I can express to know that others see and acknowledge the weight of it all. Everyone's story is unique and challenging in its own way. I always have to remind myself that there are people who are suffering much more. Physical or emotional abuse, poverty and sickness are much more traumatic. I am thankful for what I have.
The fight we have is never easy, but I know as women we stand together in this.