You're now making me think of Kurt Vonnegut, who said frequently in his commencement speeches that we need more ritualized transitions into adulthood. Young people today might have some thoughts on the "house blessing," since many find themselves unable to add a mortgage to other debts. But it's a nice idea. I remember that as a significant milestone. In fact, my wife and I bought our house together before we were even engaged (less than a year after we first met). I'm still impressed that neither of our families gave us too much grief about it, since I would have some strong thoughts and questions if one of my children were to contemplate such a significant financial decision so early in a relationship. But we were both in our 30s, independent career people, and so I suppose we had already been adults for some time before we made that leap.
You're also making me think about how much baggage the word "adult" sometimes carries in the way of gender conventions or other socialized pressures. Men feel the weight of being a provider more as adults than as young people; women have to contend with other gendered expectations or inequities more in adulthood. No wonder some young people try to postpone adulting as long as possible :)
Ah yes, adulting. It’s gotten more challenging even for those of is who are veterans. And again, I would attribute much of that to the lack of support for single people. Of course there are many factors.
Purchasing a house together was quite a leap of faith. For your wife, I must say more than you. Women have more to lose. We still do not make salaries equal to men. And there is still a heavy pressure on women to find fulfillment in marriage and children. So if things had gone sideways btwn you, the heat and the financial hardship would have fallen more heavily on her.
So.... when you purchased the house and moved in, did you have any kind of celebration with friends or family? If you didn’t, do you wish you did? And what did your wedding gift registry look like?
I don't think that was true of our home purchase at all. She made more than me as a magazine editor than I made as a professor from the beginning. And now she is the primary earner while I'm transitioning out of academe, so I stand to lose a great deal more at the moment if our marriage ever ends. I think you're right in a general historical sense, but that's really never been true in my case and I think it's becoming increasingly less true across the board. I'm a little touchy about it as a working-class person who married into a more affluent family! In fact, we drew up a kind of agreement (the mortgage lawyer called it a "pre-nup for single people") about who contributed what and how that would be divided back up if we didn't stay together. So it was a very adult moment. And also a very class-conscious moment for me.
I don't recall a housewarming party, but we did have our wedding rehearsal celebration there a year later, which is the ceremony that I remember best :). And I have no recollection whatsoever of our gift registry, which probably makes me a typical guy.
Thank you for clarifying and I apologize for my generalization and assumption. I applaud your mortgage lawyer. Single people purchasing homes together must be more common than I know!
I love that your wedding rehearsal was at your home and that this is the celebration you remember best. Wonderful!
It makes me think a lot of my friend who is 34, and dating someone, and trying to decide if she’ll buy a new toaster. How serious is she with this person? And if it doesn’t work out -- is it still OK to long for her community to buy her a toaster? It’s not that she can’t afford it. Her point is that it’s just nice to receive that kind of community care, and it shouldn’t still be so contingent for women on things beyond our control.
I understand and can relate. By your mid 30s it seems all your friends are getting or have gotten married and you spent a lot of money on gifts for them. meanwhile no one is buying these same kind of gifts for you. It feels unfair. On top of that, even attending a friend’s wedding has become moore expensive with the rise in destination weddings and two or three day affairs. Yet a wedding is a choice. Housing is a necessity. And our housing benefits our families and friends. So gifts at house warmings/ blessings should be standard while at a wedding, yeah, maybe not.
Loving this framing -- housing as a need, wedding as a want/choice. And perhaps if we set young women up with what they needed to live well and independently, they could make that choice from a more free and empowered place.
I love the idea . Rituals are so important because they are kind of commemorative in a way , especially certain milestone events of our lives otherwise everything becomes just another day and another event in our lives
This essay reminds me of this book: https://www.sashacagen.com/quirkyalone/ I bought it for myself and gave copies to my close girl friends in 2005ish, when we were all around 25, and I've always wished that more of the author's suggestions and thoughts for celebrating adulthood vs. marriage (this was particularly geared towards women, but doesn't have to be) should be paid more attention to. I'm glad you feel the same!
hey thanks for introducing me to Sasha! The tyranny of coupledom, indeed. Our culture's focus on marriage / being coupled can truly be oppressive. Love that you shared this with other good friends. 25 is definitely a defining age.
You're now making me think of Kurt Vonnegut, who said frequently in his commencement speeches that we need more ritualized transitions into adulthood. Young people today might have some thoughts on the "house blessing," since many find themselves unable to add a mortgage to other debts. But it's a nice idea. I remember that as a significant milestone. In fact, my wife and I bought our house together before we were even engaged (less than a year after we first met). I'm still impressed that neither of our families gave us too much grief about it, since I would have some strong thoughts and questions if one of my children were to contemplate such a significant financial decision so early in a relationship. But we were both in our 30s, independent career people, and so I suppose we had already been adults for some time before we made that leap.
You're also making me think about how much baggage the word "adult" sometimes carries in the way of gender conventions or other socialized pressures. Men feel the weight of being a provider more as adults than as young people; women have to contend with other gendered expectations or inequities more in adulthood. No wonder some young people try to postpone adulting as long as possible :)
Ah yes, adulting. It’s gotten more challenging even for those of is who are veterans. And again, I would attribute much of that to the lack of support for single people. Of course there are many factors.
Purchasing a house together was quite a leap of faith. For your wife, I must say more than you. Women have more to lose. We still do not make salaries equal to men. And there is still a heavy pressure on women to find fulfillment in marriage and children. So if things had gone sideways btwn you, the heat and the financial hardship would have fallen more heavily on her.
So.... when you purchased the house and moved in, did you have any kind of celebration with friends or family? If you didn’t, do you wish you did? And what did your wedding gift registry look like?
I don't think that was true of our home purchase at all. She made more than me as a magazine editor than I made as a professor from the beginning. And now she is the primary earner while I'm transitioning out of academe, so I stand to lose a great deal more at the moment if our marriage ever ends. I think you're right in a general historical sense, but that's really never been true in my case and I think it's becoming increasingly less true across the board. I'm a little touchy about it as a working-class person who married into a more affluent family! In fact, we drew up a kind of agreement (the mortgage lawyer called it a "pre-nup for single people") about who contributed what and how that would be divided back up if we didn't stay together. So it was a very adult moment. And also a very class-conscious moment for me.
I don't recall a housewarming party, but we did have our wedding rehearsal celebration there a year later, which is the ceremony that I remember best :). And I have no recollection whatsoever of our gift registry, which probably makes me a typical guy.
Thank you for clarifying and I apologize for my generalization and assumption. I applaud your mortgage lawyer. Single people purchasing homes together must be more common than I know!
I love that your wedding rehearsal was at your home and that this is the celebration you remember best. Wonderful!
Yes! I agree. I also wrote about this, this week.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ryanroseweaver/p/how-do-you-define-initiation
It makes me think a lot of my friend who is 34, and dating someone, and trying to decide if she’ll buy a new toaster. How serious is she with this person? And if it doesn’t work out -- is it still OK to long for her community to buy her a toaster? It’s not that she can’t afford it. Her point is that it’s just nice to receive that kind of community care, and it shouldn’t still be so contingent for women on things beyond our control.
I understand and can relate. By your mid 30s it seems all your friends are getting or have gotten married and you spent a lot of money on gifts for them. meanwhile no one is buying these same kind of gifts for you. It feels unfair. On top of that, even attending a friend’s wedding has become moore expensive with the rise in destination weddings and two or three day affairs. Yet a wedding is a choice. Housing is a necessity. And our housing benefits our families and friends. So gifts at house warmings/ blessings should be standard while at a wedding, yeah, maybe not.
Loving this framing -- housing as a need, wedding as a want/choice. And perhaps if we set young women up with what they needed to live well and independently, they could make that choice from a more free and empowered place.
Related viral tweet: https://twitter.com/HopeRehak/status/1504103894116454413
I agree. Love the tweet, btw. Love the idea behind the tweet!
I love the idea . Rituals are so important because they are kind of commemorative in a way , especially certain milestone events of our lives otherwise everything becomes just another day and another event in our lives
This essay reminds me of this book: https://www.sashacagen.com/quirkyalone/ I bought it for myself and gave copies to my close girl friends in 2005ish, when we were all around 25, and I've always wished that more of the author's suggestions and thoughts for celebrating adulthood vs. marriage (this was particularly geared towards women, but doesn't have to be) should be paid more attention to. I'm glad you feel the same!
hey thanks for introducing me to Sasha! The tyranny of coupledom, indeed. Our culture's focus on marriage / being coupled can truly be oppressive. Love that you shared this with other good friends. 25 is definitely a defining age.