There’s a good chance that tomorrow you’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you’re celebrating with family, there’s also a chance that things might go sideways. So begins the annual dilemma: how to celebrate without getting triggered. How can we stay grounded, feel safe, loved, and happy—in other words, feel at home—over the next six weeks?
Home is where our needs are met. We most feel at home when that includes obvious acceptance, love in the language we are most comfortable, and affirmations of our worth. But home also fills our most basic needs for shelter, food, and safety.
When we’re young, our parents are responsible for meeting all our needs of home. Becoming an adult, though, means we are responsible for meeting these needs and, typically, we’re pretty capable. We have jobs, homes, feed and dress ourselves. We feel confident in our abilities—at least in some area—and have emotional support in some form that validates our worth. And hopefully we feel loved and accepted by most of the folks around us.
But then come the holidays. And nothing can disrupt our confidence and healthy routines more than the holidays. Holidays are hard because we are never more aware that we are adults than when we are celebrating childhood. This time of year emphasizes those special things we associate with youth: magic and wonder, vacation and play, gifts, miracles, and the kindness of strangers.
No matter how old we get, or even how jaded we might think we’ve become, we always have a small child inside of us. And our inner child is most active during the holidays.
So as this season begins, it might help to consider how we can feel at home beyond the decorations, traditions, and gatherings that sometimes force joviality and warmth which we may not be feeling. And this starts with looking at love.
The 5 Love Languages, written by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992, became a New York Times bestseller about fifteen years ago. Everyone seemed to be talking about it. I even remember seeing it sold in truck stops on the highway.
Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
Amazon indicates this quote is highlighted by over 43,000 Kindle readers and I’m not surprised. When we think of home in terms of Abraham Maslow’s theory of needs, love and acceptance is right smack in the middle. This is the basis of true belonging: feeling loved and accepted for who we uniquely are. And this is one of our biggest struggles with family. We belong to families but those folks who knew us when we were young may not truly see us as we are now. They love us, yes, because we’re family, and vice versa. But do we like each other enough to be in each other’s lives if we weren’t family? That’s the difference between love by instinct and love by choice.
This time of year, when deciding how to spend such emotionally-charged days—with family, with friends, or even by ourselves—it’s best to remember what we really need to feel comfortable, safe, cared-for, and loved. We need to acknowledge those needs as they stem from our inner (sometimes wounded) child, especially as we are required to be adults. And this is where things can get sticky.
An understanding of Chapman’s 5 Love Languages can help, especially if you can keep them in mind when you start to feel uncomfortable or tense.
Words of Affirmation - the most obvious, of course, is “I love you.” But these words can be overused—or—they can be difficult to say. Any authentic, positive words, written or said sincerely, are expressions of love. You look great! * I like your outfit. * This meal/dish/etc is wonderful. Sometimes it’s even a backhanded compliment, something that comes along with what feels negative, like: You’re looking better than you did last year. Yeah, that’s not ideal. Verbal communication is probably the most expected love language, but it can also be the most misunderstood. Words of Affirmation are not everyone’s strong suit.
Gifts of Service – Consider all actions as potential gifts of love. Cooking, clearing the dishes, fixing something, taking out the trash, walking the dogs, and so much more. Sometimes it is much easier for a person to do something that is kind and loving than it is to say something.
In the big picture, remember that some parents and partners feel the responsibility of financially taking care of their loved ones so working long hours or in a demanding job can also be a gift of service. While we may want them to be present more, this may be the way the best way they know to show their love.
Physical Touch – It’s easier for some folks to hug than to verbalize. For others, physical touch, including a hug, is incredibly intimate and this language is demonstrated instead by a little punch on the arm, a noogie to the head, or instigating a football game in the yard. Piggy-back rides, holding hands, or dancing are also great examples of physical touch.
Gifts –Some people love giving gifts. Finding items that seem like a perfect fit for someone and then giving them (which takes effort in wrapping, sending, etc), is a real love language. Others hate giving gifts. Gift giving can actually paralyze some people I know.
Quality Time – really being present. Simply answering the phone when it rings and “taking the time to talk” can be an act of love, especially if foregoing the temptation to multi-task. Calling regularly, staying in touch. Accepting that some friends and family prefer texting over calls or vice versa and adapting to their preference is also key to practicing this love language.
Of course, the physical presence of quality time is what many of us prefer. Showing up for dinner, flying or driving to spend an extended visit, being present at special occasions. Sometimes there are a lot of obstacles that need to be overcome to make quality time happen.
Do you have other examples of these different love languages?
The following song is a poignant request to use a love language other than words. The harmonizing is quite beautiful.
Understanding these 5 love languages can help tremendously during the holidays when our expectations of demonstrable love is high. While we may each have a proclivity towards one language, most of us use several of these methods to communicate.
If we identify people with their most common tendency, however, we can have a difficult time recognizing when love is expressed in a way that is not considered their norm. And if we don’t notice it—because we were expecting something else—then we don’t acknowledge it, and resentment can begin.
We often put the onus on others to adapt to our preferred love language instead of taking responsibility for recognizing and embracing all expressions as valid. Our ability to do the latter is key to feeling at home during the holiday season.
A few years back, my brother told me a FedEx was on its way. It was a special Christmas surprise, he said. When an ugly Christmas sweater arrived, I was more than disappointed, I was hurt. How could he spend all that money on something I didn’t want? It took me years to recognize this was truly an act of love. He gave everyone ugly sweaters that year, carefully chosen for each person. He didn’t want me to feel left out, even when I lived so far away.
My response to my mother, who also loved giving gifts, tended to be better. She is no longer alive, so gone are the days when I had to pretend I liked something she gave me—and there were lots of those days. For almost twenty years, silver was the only jewelry I wore, the only metal that felt right on me, as silver reflects light while gold absorbs it, and this phenomenon perfectly matched my energy and personality at that time. It took a lot of therapy for me to focus on myself and not always on others - in other words, to absorb light and not bounce it back. Now, that’s a whole topic off the current, but the point is that I was fully aware of this. I told my mother repeatedly that I only wore silver, but the gold jewelry kept coming.
At the time, I didn’t value those gifts. I felt unheard, unseen, and consequently, not deeply loved. For her part however, my mother showering me with gold jewelry was her way of telling me I was regal and worthy of the favored metal of goddesses and queens. Now I can see this and I’m so grateful for the jewelry I kept. I even decided to use one piece as my wedding ring.
We live in a very “me” focused time and expect others to adapt to us and our needs. Some of this is important and good, as it can raise awareness and awareness can produce change. Other times, however, this is just selfish and immature. We need to to embrace the love others share, even when it doesn’t show up the way we want.
I think this bit from @thevibewithky is perfect. He starts by saying the best words a person can hear are “I love you.” But then… maybe the best words a person can hear are “I got you food.” Because hey, love is cool but you can’t put cheese on love. You CAN put cheese on food. You can even eat a stick of cheese and THAT is love. Cheese is love. :)
This holiday season, remember there are going to be lots of ways that love is communicated and some might not be your preference. Remember also that ultimately, as adults, we are responsible for our own needs. Take care of yourself and make sure to give some extra attention to your little child inside.
Now let the holidays begin!
I loved this post Jan, it made me want to laugh and cry but it all felt true. I will admit that a therapist recommended the Five Love Languages. I looked at the author's site and it felt too out there for me. Maybe I need to give it another chance.
I liked this post, a good reminder for the upcoming weeks. I especially liked the caption you put under a photo, "Recognizing the different ways people show their love can help you feel not so “left out in the cold” during the holidays". That's a sentence I need to re-read as Christmas approaches. :)