Let's Talk About Marriage, Part 3

The Wedding. And big news. BIG news.

We are deep into wedding season here in the States and this post may be late for many planning their ceremonies. This is, however, possibly the most important of all in this series. Yes, you need to make sure you’re ready for marriage. And it’s important to consider possibilities for what that marriage will be outside of simply accepting—or expecting—the cultural norms. Once you’ve done this, it’s time to think about the ceremony itself.

** Stay with me because I have some big news at the end **

A wedding is not a prom or a quinceañera. It is more than a celebration. It is a ritual – a very powerful ritual. Even if you are not religious and don’t think the wedding itself is sacred, I can tell you the ritual matters. It matters a LOT. Sure, you are going to spend time considering the location, the flowers, the photographer, the food, the dress, and even the guestlist. Ah yes, and the honeymoon! Even more important than all that, you need to consider the ceremony. You need to consider your vows.

Something magical truly does happen with words and ritual. Speaking vows and entering into a covenant changes us. I can’t tell you how exactly but this is precisely why ritual has been a part of human life since the beginning of time.

We have all said and believed things with the deepest of conviction only to feel differently years later. When we have more experience, more knowledge, and hopefully more wisdom, we often feel differently about some things. The vows we say to our beloved must be ones that can stand the test of time. Ones that will endure through the growth and challenges of life.

I believe there are three covenants that must be made to truly solidify a marriage. The ones we make to each other, of course. These are our vows and typically the only covenant we think about. But let’s face it, we’re human and we can mess things up sometimes. So, it helps, I think, to make a covenant with God -- or whatever you call the Divine, that which is greater than us. In acknowledging this presence, we recognize our union as serving a higher purpose and we pledge to keep it front and center in our marriage.  For some folks this might mean practicing a shared faith, whatever that is. For others, it means supporting the ways in which your beloved is their best person: supporting their wellness and growth.

This can be tricky. In our humanness, we can become jealous of interests outside our own and resent the time our beloved spends on those interests. Growth is change and change can be challenging. Especially if we think everything is great as it is, we have a hard time accepting when our spouse wants something different. This is a much bigger topic and I’ll come back to it in another post. The point is, remembering that there is a force, a Love, a meaning greater than we may understand at work can help us move through the difficult times. Making a covenant to be the person you were meant to be and do the work you were meant to do in this life – and acknowledging that you are both making this covenant to That Which is Greater – helps us get through the “better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” detours and bumps.

Officiating at the wedding of dear friends, Christine and Joel. This is Christine reading her vows.

Finally, we enter into covenant with our family and friends. As witnesses to our vows, they now have some responsibility to our marriage. This covenant asks them to support us through our trials as well as through our joys. And this can be as simple as asking all who are gathered to bless you, to say they will support you, or to say a prayer together.

** Hang in there, there’s more coming! **

There is one more thing that is typically overlooked and I think it’s super important:

Marriage marks the end of one life and the beginning of another.  Even when you’re already living together, even when you’re already committed, even when you co-parent a dog…  The magic of the wedding truly does change you. You enter into a new life, a new way of being, a new way of being seen in the world. As much as you love each other and are truly ready for this, there is still this tiny part that needs to be acknowledged.

This is where the tradition of a father giving away his daughter comes from, or the groom walking his mother down the aisle. You are leaving your families and becoming your own family. You are no longer kids. You are no longer just you – you will from this point forth always be the two of you. Inherently you know this. If you waited to marry, this is why you waited, even if you were in deeply committed relationship.

Allow the recognition of this shift to sit with you. Consider how you want to honor it. This doesn’t have to be part of the ritual, just something to keep in mind. If you are young and do want to recognize it, consider that the tradition of being “given away” doesn’t have to be just on the bride’s side. There certainly are a lot of grooms out there who could benefit from having their mothers (and fathers) formally give them away too!

Ok, so here’s news:

I’m getting married. In one week. On Festa di Santa Rosalia. (St. Rosalia is the patron saint of Palermo, the capital of Sicily. While we didn’t chose this date for that reason, it feels auspicious.)

Tom and I met 18 years ago on a five-night white water rafting trip and flirted. A few months later, we started a relationship. Eventually, we talked about marriage and… for various reasons, it didn’t happen. After seven years, I said enough. We remained friends and shared custody of two dogs. We were always there for each other. I knew he still loved me, and I still loved him. I just assumed we would always be in each other’s lives. The truth is, however, that not being married provided me the emotional freedom I needed to go back to school and complete my PhD. It also allowed me to move from Idaho to Oklahoma. (Tom even drove the U-Haul and helped me settle in.) We saw each other several times a year, even traveled together. If we had been married, however, I would never have gone to Italy in 2020 for what was to be a six-week trip and turned into four months. That was a life-changer I would have most certainly missed. That life-changer is also what brought us back together.

I promise I’ll write more about this. While I’m very happy, I did honestly have some things to work through. Everything I’ve written about in this series, I not only have coached others through over the years, I had to revisit all over for myself too.

For now, a movie reference will have to do. Ticket to Paradise with Julia Roberts and George Clooney. If you saw it, hopefully you caught on pretty early that all their bickering was really just a mask for their affection. They never stopped loving each other. Only towards the end does George tell a friend that they broke up because life got in the way: jobs, debt, a new child, and a dream house burning to the ground.

If you haven’t seen the movie: spoiler alert! At the very end, Julia & George decide that now is the time to begin enjoying “the good stuff” – the good life we tend to put off. This ending makes me smile. It feels a bit like taking Tom to Italy in 2022 and him saying yeah, he could see spending time there. And then we bought a house. And that, it turns out, was his proposal. :)

And yes, if you’re interested, I’ll tell you more later. And even share a few photos. Here’s to the good stuff, friends!