Bum Guns & WiFi

Kicks and kinks of being in Sicily

This week it’s been snowing in Idaho. Just enough to cover my car each morning and then it burns off by noon. But I’m not in Idaho. And I can’t tell you how incredibly happy that makes me.

I arrived back in Sicily 11 days ago, Evviva! (My new favorite Italian word, meaning Hurray!) and hit the ground running. Side note: my large hard-sided luggage was damaged, as in, one side completely cracked. And herein lies my first compliment to Italy, or at least, the Palermo airport. I walked over to the baggage office and within only a few minutes a new replacement luggage had been ordered, free of charge. No long line, no haggling. Just: Ah! Ok, do you want this luggage or this one? This color or this color? What is your address? It was that simple. The next day I received an email confirming my address, which I responded to with photos of the house – because while our address is legally (yes, on the deed) just SP 56 – only a road – and locals know it by the name of the old train stop, I figured photos of what it looks like from the road might help. Sure enough, 9 days later the mail truck arrived with my new suitcase and attached to the box where the photos I had sent.

the photo which showed up on my package w/ the address label

I LOVE this place!!

Brace yourself, because while I will eventually share the frustrations, more compliments are coming.

The very next day, my contractor arrived, bringing along another guy who will apparently do everything except the tile work in the bathroom. And, when I told him I needed motion-detection solar lights installed outside ASAP, he heard me.

me with our contractors, Francesco and Pepe

For two and a half years after our house purchase, which included six visits of two weeks or longer, I had only a cell phone to combat the darkness when I came home at night. Which is particularly challenging if you’re carrying bags. It may also be one reason our home was broken into last summer. Every trip I asked I asked my neighbor to find someone to install lights but apparently my plea didn’t register as a priority, until last fall. Then, someone came, looked around, and never came back. Why? I have no idea. Not a big enough job? Some things are lost in translation or the difference of culture.

I also can’t explain why we couldn’t find solar lights with motion detectors attached. The stores we looked at (and we looked at a lot) sell the lights separately and then you buy the motion detector, and they are not universally compatible.

Solution? I transported two all-in-one units from Costco in the U.S., each for a whopping cost of $28. In retrospect, I wish I had brought four. But all that really matters is that they have been installed, and they were installed on day 3, the very next morning after I met Francesco. EVVIVA!!

Francesco also installed our two cameras, which we did buy here in Castelvetrano. One in front and one in back. These gadgets are not only connected through my iPhone and record, but they also have a two-way speaker. Meaning, even from the U.S., if I see someone in our yard, I can shout, “EHI! VAI VAI!!” (Hey! Go away!) and hopefully scare the crap out of them. Ah, technology! It’s great when it works.

And often it doesn’t.

The cameras require WiFi, which we still don’t have. Admittedly, I’ve only been asking for this for a year – since we finally were able to stay in the home. (That happened once we got a hot water heater and a mattress. It was a bit like indoor camping, sure, and still, it was heaven.) For our last trip, I notified a friend—who “sells” internet services along with solar panels, A/C heating units, and houses—weeks in advance of our arrival and again when we landed in Florence and again as soon as we touched down in Sicily. Even then, it took another week before he placed an order. Two weeks later and only two days before we left, he finally admitted it wasn’t going to happen. No idea why but that was that.

This trip, after five days, I was meekly told that the service provider didn’t have routers. Seriously. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

My neighbor and another Sicilian friend suggested I buy a new phone with a SIM card and hotspot it to my computer. Yikes. Another gadget and a cost I hadn’t expected. Mind you, we had considered purchasing a Starlink mini. At least, we considered that back in early February. Starlink works everywhere in Sicily and the cost is less expensive than in the States. But then the chainsaw wielding monster wreaked complete destruction and there was no ethical way we could willingly give him money.

I’m also reminded of my time living in Picabo, a small rural town in Idaho. There was only one WiFi provider when I moved there and frankly, service was a pain in the ass. So I really can’t be too frustrated by the lack of service here. We are, after all, in a relatively rural area.

Good news: Angela went shopping with me. Turns out, just like T-Mobile in the states, cellular providers here also offer WiFi with (yes) routers. BUT auto pay is required and for that, I must have an Italian bank account. No, a U.S. credit card won’t work. Alas, I don’t have an Italian bank account. But maybe during this trip I’ll figure that out.

In the meantime, I have a new Motorola cell phone which allows me to hotspot my iPhone and even my computer. Except on my computer, pages don’t always load. To date, I have not once been able to get on the website for the Italian Consulate in San Francisco. (I’m doing pretty well at not panicking about that.) I also haven’t been able to respond to a marketplace request regarding an electric cargo bike, which I’m going to need in another 9 days when I no longer have a rental car. (Trying not to panic about that either.)

breakfast in the yard is calming

On a good note, this is the first time I’ve entered my home (which we named Serafina, by the way) without evidence of geckos or mice. EVVIVA!! Well… I eventually found two baby geckos completely dried out on the floor. I feel sad about their deaths and equally thrilled to not have loads of gecko poop to clean up.

On the other hand, there was white fuzz on the kitchen floor and windowsills.

Have I mentioned before that the house has no foundation? Which means… when the shutters are all closed and the room remains completely dark and it rains (which is good – Sicily was in a drought last fall), this is what happens. We have two dehumidifiers and a Domodry system that repels moisture from the house but occasionally a breaker trips (which happened twice in my first five nights here), having nothing to do with over-use but just being in the country. So apparently, four months with no dehumidifier or light will cause these delightful white clusters to form. Note to self: keep the shutters open next time I leave. Even better, see if neighbor Enzo will be willing to check on the house weekly.

I’m not confident about Enzo’s help, however, even if we offer to pay. Turns out he has two new goats and a lamb. And a miniature horse is arriving any day. After at least five years, probably much longer, Enzo is starting up his Agriturismo again. He once had a camel; I kid you not. And squirrels. Again, not kidding. As local friends informed me this weekend, “People from the city really need a place to visit in the country where they can experience animals.” And that, my friends, is all I have to say about that. At least for now.

Ah, but you’re still wondering about bum guns!

The primary goal of this trip is to finally get a new bathroom. Hence, the contractors visit on my second day. Here’s what the bathroom looks like now:

We’ve looked at tile, sinks, toilets, etc. during our last two visits, but now was time to bite the bullet and buy. Now, when the dollar is tanking. Alas. This meant a week of driving around to small town shops, trying to buy locally, and two trips up to Palermo (an hour away) to visit Leroy Merlin, the equivalent of Lowe’s. Two kinds of tile are required, one for the shower and another for the floor, as we will be taking out the mismatched, damaged, and in my opinoin not at all nice 100-year-old squares. I spent hours of looking at options only to learn each time that the tile I wanted was not available. Finally, on my second trip, Davide helped me, offered solutions, and an order was placed. He even gave me his email address at the store in case I needed more help. (say again? I like Lowe’s but even trying to get customer service on the phone is a challenge. Can you imagine being offered an email for direct assistance? )

pretty simple sink and the only one I could find that was only 40cm deep, which is super important b/c of the narrowness of the bathroom

But the biggest challenge has been the toilet and bidet.

For a country where it is legally required every home have at least one bidet (Italians are very concerned about cleanliness), you would think they’d have more options in this area. Well, I think they should have more options. Standard is the separate standing bidet. Toilet and bidet, sold as a pair. Small bathroom (such as ours) with not enough room for a bidet? Bum gun. Honestly, I don’t know what they officially call it, but it’s a sprayer hose that comes out of the wall. This feels like every kind of wrong to me but then, I’m an American and, in this instance, I’m spoiled.

In the States, I’ve had a bidet seat for four years now and I can’t imagine living without one. First, a Tushy, simple and very effective. Then, in Idaho, we really stepped it up. Our bidet seat there not only has temp controlled water, a front and a back spray, AND a heated seat (which is absolute heaven), it also has a drying fan. No kidding.

But in Italy? Yeah, no. Bidet seats just don’t exist. Mostly, probably, because most toilets don’t have external water tanks. All the piping is in the wall so there’s no way to hook up a seat that needs access to the pipes. I found a few toilets with a “donna doccia” (female shower, a description which seems odd to me) but those are not the norm. I was willing to shell out up to 700 for one though (hey, this is important) but only online retailers offer them and that was discouraged and the Japanese options all cost well over 1,300 euro and that is way out of our budget. Which means,

I bought a bum gun.

Now I understand why my contractor wants to install tile up the wall behind the toilet. I fear water will be going everywhere… Ugh. My one concession: a temperature control gauge so the water isn’t always cold. Need I say more?

What really matters is that I LOVE this house. I love being in Sicily. I love our small town, our rural area. I love the drive up towards Palermo, the rolling green hills and the lapping sea.

A friend asked me this morning, “Yes, but what specifically?” Along with a request for photos of everything. So, stay tuned and I’ll do my best to share!