After a wedding, you are never really the same. Once we marry, a part of us is gone forever. Even as we embrace our new joined lives with joy, we need to honor what we leave behind.
Nice essay Jan! What I know I never choose would be too many hyphenated last names. After a couple of generations it would turn out to be Sue and John Smith-Jones-Gomez-Pavlov-Adams-Corder-La Salle-Aguilara. I think it’s an opportunity for creativity instead of picking one or the other name, choose something fun, like Sue and John Candelabra. Or Sue and John HarvestMoon, or Sue and John AthletesFoot. Then, it becomes a moot point, having nothing to do with gender, and more to do with the couple’s (perhaps wacky) identity. Lots more fun.
Lots more fun indeed! And much more reflective of a new life, a new identity, TOGETHER (which I'll talk about in Part 2). It makes more sense for both spouses to change their names to reflect their new married identity. And you're right - the hyphens can get long and confusing! Considering our names were once determined by our trade or simply given to us for various reasons, why not reclaim the power and create new ones? Love that!
I think women should keep their maiden names. It is ridiculous to give up your name and take your partner's just on tradition. I also think women should be educated and be able to support themselves well, so that when they marry the family is the priority and people stay married because they want to create a home and family and neither partner has to be dependent on the other for money. Staying married because you cannot support yourself is not a good reason to stay married and yet, it is happening all the time. I love seeing how involved young men are now parenting (not baby-sitting) their children and sharing home duties. More classes on this type of living should be part of a high school education for all sexes. Women should not have to prioritize their home and family anymore than men. Equal pay, equal parenting, equal opportunity. Sexism needs to die. As people continue to live longer I believe more women will keep their surnames, at the very least professionally. So many people get divorced it is easier and less expensive to keep your own name ........ and that is something to consider, too.
And yes, I, too, love seeing how gender expectations are changing: fathers staying home and parenting children while mothers work. Husbands taking their wife's name as a hyphenated name. All of that is very cool. And yes, there are so many great reasons for both spouses to keep their own surnames.
The other point that should be considered is when women work and earn decent money, men do not have to work so hard that they abandon the family timewise. Other countries do a better job of not being a slave to your job than we do. In Australia there is a mandatory six week Holiday and they consider traveling a vital part of life and education. Many of the more educated countries are the same. We need to change our way of life. We are no longer projecting the best way to live.
I agree. Every country in the EU is required by law to provide every employee a minimum of 4 weeks vacation plus 12 paid holidays. The U.S. is sorely lacking in this regard and we are the worse for it. :(
what we try to hide or suppress always shows up in another place or way. That's a pretty deep concept that many people miss - until they've experienced it themselves and were aware / woke / conscious enough to see the truth, the roots, without attributing it to something else or someone else. Heavy stuff. We all like to bury emotions & problems or stuff them under the bed! Kinda like cleaning out the refrigerator - sometimes it's real smelly and icky work!
After a wedding, there is always the possibility that one or both spouses may feel some blues. Hopefully it's not grieving if they've considered in advance how their life will change. But just like we can feel a let down after the holidays or even after giving birth, a wedding is such a big event that returning to "normal life" can feel like a bit of a let down. Especially if the wedding planning has been a huge part of your life for a while. It can be a bit of a shock - and sadness - to no longer have the spotlight on you. That's really something that should be considered and discussed - both in advance and after the wedding.
I'm glad you found the strength to leave a relationship that was not working for you.
Nice essay Jan! What I know I never choose would be too many hyphenated last names. After a couple of generations it would turn out to be Sue and John Smith-Jones-Gomez-Pavlov-Adams-Corder-La Salle-Aguilara. I think it’s an opportunity for creativity instead of picking one or the other name, choose something fun, like Sue and John Candelabra. Or Sue and John HarvestMoon, or Sue and John AthletesFoot. Then, it becomes a moot point, having nothing to do with gender, and more to do with the couple’s (perhaps wacky) identity. Lots more fun.
Lots more fun indeed! And much more reflective of a new life, a new identity, TOGETHER (which I'll talk about in Part 2). It makes more sense for both spouses to change their names to reflect their new married identity. And you're right - the hyphens can get long and confusing! Considering our names were once determined by our trade or simply given to us for various reasons, why not reclaim the power and create new ones? Love that!
Thanks for your thoughts, Michael.
I think women should keep their maiden names. It is ridiculous to give up your name and take your partner's just on tradition. I also think women should be educated and be able to support themselves well, so that when they marry the family is the priority and people stay married because they want to create a home and family and neither partner has to be dependent on the other for money. Staying married because you cannot support yourself is not a good reason to stay married and yet, it is happening all the time. I love seeing how involved young men are now parenting (not baby-sitting) their children and sharing home duties. More classes on this type of living should be part of a high school education for all sexes. Women should not have to prioritize their home and family anymore than men. Equal pay, equal parenting, equal opportunity. Sexism needs to die. As people continue to live longer I believe more women will keep their surnames, at the very least professionally. So many people get divorced it is easier and less expensive to keep your own name ........ and that is something to consider, too.
Yes, Marjenna! Yes to all the points you make!
And yes, I, too, love seeing how gender expectations are changing: fathers staying home and parenting children while mothers work. Husbands taking their wife's name as a hyphenated name. All of that is very cool. And yes, there are so many great reasons for both spouses to keep their own surnames.
Thank you for responding!
The other point that should be considered is when women work and earn decent money, men do not have to work so hard that they abandon the family timewise. Other countries do a better job of not being a slave to your job than we do. In Australia there is a mandatory six week Holiday and they consider traveling a vital part of life and education. Many of the more educated countries are the same. We need to change our way of life. We are no longer projecting the best way to live.
I agree. Every country in the EU is required by law to provide every employee a minimum of 4 weeks vacation plus 12 paid holidays. The U.S. is sorely lacking in this regard and we are the worse for it. :(
"Whatever we try to hide or suppress will always manifest in another way..." Oh! wow! I faced this reality and left a relationship I had for years lol
I enjoyed reading this article Jan!
Thank you for emphasising that marriage takes work- I strongly believe in this.
So, is there like a grieving phase after the wedding? 😅
Faith, Yes,
what we try to hide or suppress always shows up in another place or way. That's a pretty deep concept that many people miss - until they've experienced it themselves and were aware / woke / conscious enough to see the truth, the roots, without attributing it to something else or someone else. Heavy stuff. We all like to bury emotions & problems or stuff them under the bed! Kinda like cleaning out the refrigerator - sometimes it's real smelly and icky work!
After a wedding, there is always the possibility that one or both spouses may feel some blues. Hopefully it's not grieving if they've considered in advance how their life will change. But just like we can feel a let down after the holidays or even after giving birth, a wedding is such a big event that returning to "normal life" can feel like a bit of a let down. Especially if the wedding planning has been a huge part of your life for a while. It can be a bit of a shock - and sadness - to no longer have the spotlight on you. That's really something that should be considered and discussed - both in advance and after the wedding.
I'm glad you found the strength to leave a relationship that was not working for you.